Lately I have been thinking allot about service and it is funny, because that is what one of the talks in church this past Sunday was on and I thought to myself, Wow, how funny is that, this must really be something the Lord wants me to learn! I don't know why, but lately I have been feeling down on myself, I have been feeling like I am not doing enough service for others and I know I should not feel this way, for my life is busy, full of service to my daughter Payten, but even with this knowledge in the back of my mind, I still have been very inadequate.
As I was pondering these things, I thought about my life as a whole. I thought about the past and the present, I realized that I truly find joy in the service of others. I thought about how I was that kid in elementary school, junior high and high school, who would always find the lonely child, whom sat by themselves and I would sit with them, not because I was told to, but rather because I wanted to. I made many dear friends by doing this and I came to realize what a great service it was to those individuals for they needed that love and kindness and just by doing that small and simple act, I was able to bring that service they so desperately needed at that moment.
I thought about junior high and about when I volunteered as a teen partner, which was a group of teens who served the mentally and physically handicap children and how truly honoring it was to do so. I remember the young man who I served, his name was Jason and I remembered how bright, bubbly, and beautiful he was, for he was a young man that lived a life of service and love. I remember no one wanting to be his partner because they were scared of him, but I volunteered anyways, for I didn't care, I just wanted to serve him. How truly grateful I was that I made that choice, for I met one of the most beautiful young men I will ever meet in my life and I will never forget my time with him. For his whole life was focused on helping others, that is what made him truly happy, serving others. I loved being his friend, I loved being his teen partner, I loved working with him, for he taught me so much about what it meant to love people unconditionally and to lose yourself in the service of your fellow man. I will forever be grateful to Jason for the things he taught me and for his Christ like love he showed to everyone he came in contact with.
Then I thought about my life after high school and how my love of service did not end. For I went on to serve in different classrooms teaching autistic children and at Church serving the 7 and 8 year old children. I remembered how happy I was, for I loved what I did! I have fond memories of all the children I served during this time in my life and they all hold a special place in my heart! I remember when I served those 7 and 8 year old's at church and I remember thinking to myself, oh boy, they are going to hate me, for I am not fun!!!! I don't have time to create fun lessons with games, nor am I talented enough or creative enough to do so! But that did not matter, I still served, I still chose to sacrifice my time and teach them. I realized by doing simple lessons and serving them through love, I gave them the best gift I could ever give them, the gift of love and service! By teaching them the simple lessons I would prepare, that came from the heart, they learned through me, the teachings of Jesus Christ. I remember a mother coming to me and thanking me for my time and service. I am remember her telling me that her son told her he knew that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ were real because he felt it during my lessons, he told her that he believed the Church was true because he felt the spirit of God when I taught him. What a beautiful, tender moment that was in my life, one I will never forget, for I was taught that it did not matter if the act of service and love was grand, elaborate, or fun, rather all it needed to be was a small and simple act, for that would make the biggest impact on someones life! How truly honored I was to learn this at such a young age!
Shortly after this I married my handsome, oh so great husband Joseph Merrill and we were asked to serve in Nursery at Church! Hahaha! Oh what joy we felt!!!! At first I thought to myself, oh boy, what fun this will be! We get to babysit every one's children while they enjoy the spiritual lessons at Church!!!! Even though I started out with a not so great attitude, I still accepted the call to serve and I sacrificed my time and I served those children to the best of my ability and I gained a great love for the nursery and was taught another valuable life lesson. I was taught that it did not matter how young the child was, they could be taught and learn the teachings of Jesus Christ! I can remember those children's faces, I can even remember some of their names, Clark, Boe, and Sophie, oh how I loved those children! I remember thinking to myself, why, why should I sacrifice my time in preparing a lesson for these young little children who are not going to listen or appreciate it for that matter. Seriously, what was the point in all this, for these children were too young to understand or care! But I was wrong. Not only did one parent come to me this time, but several parents came to me, thanking me for my time and my service. They thanked me for being diligent in teaching their children and they thanked me for teaching their children in such a way that they could understand and remember and could come home and teach it to their own families. Oh, how humbled I was to hear that, for I thought my works were going unnoticed, I thought my works were going unappreciated, when in all reality it was just the opposite, for they were noticed and appreciated. And again I was honored that the Lord gave me an opportunity to learn and grow through service and sacrifice.
Now seriously, the list could go on and on about the service I have rendered to others and I am not saying this to boast of myself rather I do have a point to all of this. But before I get to that point I want to share another important moment of service, the moment my whole life change for the better, the moment Payten was born! Before Payten my life was about serving and helping others, but after Payten it changed to serving her. No, the desires of my heart did not change, for I still love to serve others, rather my priorities changed. I realized that my life had taken a sudden turn and my priorities switched from serving others to serving my family and their needs. I found myself no longer spending my days socializing with friends, baking goodies/dinner for others who were facing hardships, etc. and I exchanged it for hospital stays, doctors appointments, therapy sessions, studying medical terminology, learning about lungs and respiratory issues, etc. My life forever changed, for my child was sick and I was all she had.
People ask me how I do it and all I can really think to say is, I just do it. I never have given myself a choice, even though I have had a choice, I have never given myself that option, for I am this child's mother and I will do everything I can to help her, care for her, serve her. We have spent countless hours at the hospital fighting different illnesses and will continue to spend countless hours there! We have spent many hours learning different things such as, how to listen to lung's, how to place an NG feeding tube (the feeding tubes that go through the nose and into the stomach), how to administer medications, how to perform CPR, what a trach is and how to place/change it, how to suction a trach, how to clean the trach site, what the different medical terminologies that the doctors use are, we learned how to care for and change out G-tubes, we learned what a feeding pump was and how to operate it, we learned when to give oxygen and why, we learned the importance of CPT and how to do administer it, the lists again, goes on and on, but we sacrificed our time as parents and we learned what we had to learn. We did so, because we loved our daughter and wanted to her give her the best life possible and care for her in the best way we could.
I spend my days now, researching programs that are out there that are set up to help children such as Payten. I now spend my days, suctioning, administering medications, giving breathing treatments, going to doctors appointments, going to different therapy visits, spending my free time practicing what Payten learned at therapy, etc. My life has become a very lonely, very demanding, very tiresome life, but one I would never give up. For it is my role as a mother and I take that role very seriously. Yes, I could have taken the easy way out, but I chose not to, I chose to lose myself in the service of my daughter and I did this because I love her. I did this because when I became a Mom, I decided that no matter what, good or bad, I would do it, and I did! I have also learned through all of this, how to except service from others. I have learned how it feels to receive service, I have learned that it takes a strong person to admit they can not do it on their own, I takes a strong person to admit they need help and ask for that help. This has not been an easy lesson to learn, but it has been a lesson I will never forget and I will be forever grateful for learning it.
So the point I am trying to make in all of this, is that we all are going to face different stages in life, we are all going to be given opportunities to help and serve others, to be served, and to not serve or be served, but know that they will come in stages. I realize that I am in a chapter of my life that requires me to not serve others, but rather serve my family, I will always have the desire and love to serve others, for that is my love, but right now the focus is on my family, especially my beautiful Payten, for there is so much she needs and I am not a bad person for doing this. For I know my time will soon come to an end, for Payten will reach a point in her life, where she will no longer be strong enough to overcome her illnesses and challenges and she will be called home to her Heavenly Father all too soon and all I will be left with until we meet again, our the memories of the service and love I rendered to her. So I apologize if I come across as selfish, unwilling to help, for that is not my intentions, rather I am facing a chapter in my life that is beyond my control that is sucking every ounce of time and energy I have and so as much I as I love to serve others, it is just not my time right now to do so.
I hope this helps everyone to understand the desires of my heart, to understand that I want to help where I can, but that my main focus right now has to be my family. But this in no way means, treat me differently, for I do not want that. This does not mean, pass me by for I am too busy. This does not mean I don't want to be given the opportunity to serve. Please do not think, Oh we can't ask her, for her life is way too busy, rather give me the opportunity to decide for myself, give me the chance to say yes or no and if I say no, understand it is not personal, it just means I don't have time!
I realized by taking the time to ponder these things, I learned to not be discouraged with myself and get frustrated with myself for not being able to serve as much as I would like, but rather I realize that there is power in saying no and learning to serve yourself and your family, before others when it is so desperately needed. For there will always be time to serve others, but your family grows all to quickly and the opportunity to serve them will quickly fade away! I am grateful to my Heavenly Father and to my Sweet Payter Tater, for teaching/helping me learn this valuable life lesson and for also helping me to realize that it doesn't matter whom I am serving as long as I am serving!
