Life!

I wanted to take the time to blog for I have been really struggling emotionally lately, I think it has to do with a one year old and lack of sleep, who knows?!?! Anyways, I wanted to give you all a little glimpse into the life of The Merrill Family, I feel that most of my friends and family do not see what our life is really like. Our weekly schedule consists of Monday, Speech Therapy, Tuesday, Occupational Therapy, Thursday, Physical Therapy & Preschool, Friday, Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, & Feeding Therapy, and these are not all! These are just the set appointments each week. This list does not include the different meetings with the different agencies that deal with Payten, doctors appointments that we have monthly, in home Nursing that comes weekly, and the other everyday activities of having three other children, such as, Parent Teacher Conference, Dance Class, Music Lessons, Doctors appointments, etc.. Our life is extremely demanding, I have someone in my home daily, if not two to three times a day. This is why I am so nutty about my house being clean, who wants a dirty house when people are coming over? Since my home is a zoo of people coming and going I constantly feel like the cleaning lady.

So my daily schedule consists of waking up, getting Zach and Makenna dressed, hair done, breakfast made, lunches packed, Emmett dressed and fed, Payten dressed, fed and medications administered, all before we have to be out the door by 8:15am! Now lets be real, does this happen, only in a prefect world it does! If I am doing good it happens, but most of the time I get Zach and Makenna dressed, hair done, breakfast made, lunches packed, grab Emmett out of his crib, get Payten up and dressed, pack all her supplies (suction machine, suction catheters, pulse oximeter, etc.) and run out the door, praying I didn't forget anything, then I come home feed Emmett and dress him, give Payten her medications, do CPT and breathing treatments and feed her, while running around like a chicken with my head cut off, cleaning like a mad woman before therapies start! I am lucky if I get a shower, but most days I am the smelly Mom no one likes!!!! I am suprised the therapist keep coming back! Really I am! Hahaha!

 During, before, or after therapy I have to deal with Emmett, whether it be chasing him, feeding him, picking up after him, or trying to get his naps in, it is crazy all the same. I also have to suction Payten, do spot checks on her O2 levels, put trach's back in that she has pulled out (which is on a daily basis in our house, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day!), etc. Also I have to feed her 3 more times during the day, so I try to do her feeds at 8:30am, 12:30pm, 4:30pm, 7:30pm. But they all have to be centered around the different appointments throughout the day, so I have learned that I have to be extremely flexible and schedules go out the window most of the time. She also receives afternoon medications, that is if I don't forget to administer them, which again lets be real, it happens! All of this occurs hopefully before I go get Zach and Makenna from school at 3pm! Then it is afternoon snacks, homework, chores and dinner planning. People wonder why I eat out alot, if you had this schedule you would probably too! Our budget though is not allowing much eating out anymore, so I am having to be more organized and get dinner made! Then we have to get ready for bed, because my husband needs to try to be in bed by 7:30/8, because he wakes up at 1:45am to get to work by 2:50am!

Inorder to do so, we have to clean up our afternoon and dinner mess, get baths done, homework finished, Payten's CPT and breathing treatments, night medications, teeth brushed, stories read, equipment set up (ventilator, pulse oximeter, suction machine, feeding pump.) All this before 8pm! And people wonder why my husband doesn't get sleep. Maybe now you can understand a little better as to why! And this list does not include the nightly ups and downs we have, whether it be suctioning Payten, putting her vent back on, hooking O2 up, or Emmett needing us and it does not include the
different POP-UPS that everyday life might bring such as, family or friends needing help, church/school activities, extra curricular activities, urgent care visits, poop blow outs, ect. So when you see me and you think, wow she looks burnt out, you are probably right, I am! And that is exactly where I am right now, burnt out!

I am not posting this to get on my little box of Tide and say look at me!, look at me!, don't you feel so sorry?! Rather I just want people to see what I and other mothers of children with special needs go through. We not only have the everyday tasks that all mothers have, we have extra things as well and it gets over whelming at times. A couple weeks ago, Payten was having seizures all the time and Emmett was not sleeping at night and so here I was, a mommy to four kids, whom had no sleep and was stressed and worried about one who kept having seizures! I reached a melting point and I was ready to say, I quit! I quit everything! I quit Cub scouts, I quit visiting teaching, I quit therapies, I quit helping with homework, I quit driving kids to and from school, I quit cooking and cleaning, I quit having meetings regarding Payten, I quit all the doctors appointments, etc, I just quit life! And I was quite serious. I was going to call everyone, then I took a few breathes, went for a drive, got myself some lunch and was better! The worries weren't over, the stress wasn't gone, my burdens were not lifted, but somehow I was able to reach deep down and grab the little ounce of courage, strength and determination I had left inside me and use it!

It was not easy to do, but I had to sit back and evaluate my life. I had to figure out why I felt so burned out. I decided I needed to spend more time doing fun things! I needed to slow down and enjoy life, not just endure it! I needed to play with my kiddos more, whether that be barbies, house, legos, video games, basketball, etc. I needed to do it more. I needed to go to bed earlier and get up earlier. I needed to start exercising and eating better. I needed to spend less time on the computer and more time doing things with my kids and husband. I needed to pray more and study the scriptures. Attend the temple on a regular basis. I needed to not go to all the parties, girls nights, etc. rather I just needed to be here, at home with my family enjoying them. Every once in a while doing these things for myself, like going to parties and girls nights will be fine. Just not every week or everytime I am invited!

I thought to myself, I how am I going to do this? How am I going to improve my life and use my time better? The first thing I thought was, I am going to not turn the TV on during the day! I am going to wake up at 5:30 everyday and go to bed early with my husband. I will exercise in the morning and then study my scriptures. I will do more crock pot meals. Be more creative with the things I do with my kids! Make one on one time with them, such as taking them on Mommy me dates. Have movie/game night once a week on Friday or Saturday! Give my kids more responsiblities/chores! And I will stop worrying how perfect my life looks, such as my house, etc and what other people think and worry solely about me and my family. The last thing will be hard, but I will definately try and be better at it.

Last Wednesday I did something out of the ordinary, I broke all the rules! We had a some really stressful days prior to Wednesday and we were all on edge because of it, so I decided to turn off the alarms and let the kids miss school. We had what I am going to call a staycation! We stayed home and took a break from life. I canceled all of my appointments for the day and I took the kids to the store and let them pick out movies, games and treats. We came home and had an indoor picnic while watching the three movies we rented, Where the red fern grows, Flicka 3, and The three stooges.
After a movie marathon, we made an obstacle course in the hallway and sugar cookies. Then the kids colored, painted my face like a clown and we ended our day of fun with a Nerf gun war. It was a blast, a day the kids and I will never forget! It was a break that the kids and I had needed for a long time and I was glad I took the opportunity to do this. So this will be another thing that I will add to making my life a little better, random staycation days!

I am grateful that even though I reached a point in my life where I wanted to run away and hide. A point of throwing my hands in the air and quitting everything, that I didn't, rather I was able to reached deep down inside and find the strength to keep going. I was able to sit back and reevaluate my life and find what would make it better. I am thankful to be able to set new goals and hope that they help me in becoming a better mother to my kids and wife to my husband. I hope that by doing all these things on my list, I can keep myself from reaching this breaking point again and make this thing called life a little more enjoyable and fun! May we all beable to enjoy life rather than just endure it!