Motherhood is really hard at times! ~ This is a statement every mother has said at least once in their life as a mother. For me, I say this often, because it is really hard. Sometimes I feel that I have it harder than most and then I realize that is not true, it could always be harder. And it is all about perspective and how we see things/deal with things/situations. Right now my heart is breaking a little inside for one of my children, no, not the one you think, another one! I am seeing me in this child. I am seeing things that I had to go through and struggle with as a child, things that I was hopeful my children would never have to face and now one of my kids is having to face it and it is hard to see. I understand the pain, for other children can be so cruel and I still have scars from things children did to me and I worry that my child will have scars and I don't want this for them. As a Mom you want everything to be perfect for your kids, you want to protect them from hardships, grief or pain. You want them to be better and have better than what you had. Unfortunately, sometimes that is not possible and as a mother this is hard to swallow.
When I was a child, I had a learning disability in reading, writing, and language and I was tormented by others. I was called every name in the book and not only did I suffer from that, I suffered from a weight problem, I was the heavy, dumb, clumsy kid, as everyone called me. Scars that have never fully healed and insecurities I still face to this day. Maybe that is why I am a perfectionist, control freak, people pleaser, severely OCD person who allows people to take advantage of her! But with all of this, comes good too, for I have learned compassion, understanding, courage, strength, kindness and love. Things that many people lack. I know how it feels to be the outcast and think that is why when I have served in different areas where children are involved, the kids who are more quiet, reserved, shy, etc. find comfort with me and are attracted to me, because I relate to them, I understand them and I show them compassion and love that they are so desperately seeking. So even though I hated many things about myself as a child and wished I was different, meaning smarter, prettier, thinner, etc. I am grateful for the lessons I learned from being faced with these trials.
I do have a reason for sharing all of this! Believe me, this is a part of me that I have tried to bury, it is a part of me that is extremely hard and emotional to share with others. The reason I share this is because my son Zachary is facing the learning disability part. He doesn't suffer from the weight or looks issues I did, but the learning issues he has. He struggles in his reading, writing and language, just like I did. And I have seen it for while now and I have tried to get the school and teacher's to see what I have seen and finally they are seeing it and they are listening. I wish they would have given him help sooner, but I am glad they are willing to give him the extra help he needs now. I still struggle with blaming myself, for I feel that if my life would have been less hectic. If I would not have neglected him, because I had Payten to care for, he would not have these learning problems. Even though I know I did my best and juggled my life to the best of my ability and still do, I can not help but blame myself for him falling behind. I am going through an inner hell coming to terms with all of this, for I feel, why does another one of my children have to suffer. Doesn't Payten suffer enough, why does Zachary have to suffer? It just does not seem fair, but then I am reminded, that it could be worse and I need to find the good in this and be grateful for the blessings I do have.
For some of you reading this, this all may seem very silly. What's the big deal? So he has a learning disability, who cares? He's not dying! It's something that can be fixed and you are correct! It isn't a big deal, it is something that can be fixed, but it is also something that can affect that child's self esteem and spirit and that is where the big deal lies, for that is what I don't want to be affected. I don't want my child's confidence broken, self esteem lessened, spirit shattered, because some other child finds it funny/easy to tease or bully him. And that happens to these kids who suffer from these problems. So I have the tough job as a Mom, to sit down and talk with my son and explain to him, that yes he may be different in the sense of how he learns, but he is no different from any other child out there! He is just as smart and has the same opportunities as any other person, he just may need a little extra help, support or even a different or longer path to follow in order to get to that same place and that no matter what happens or no matter what people say, he is great just the way he is. The problem is, I pray that he listens and believes me, for my Mom always did this with me and I still let the things other people would say, affect and hurt and scar me and that is my fear for my son. I fear, he too will allow others ignorance to scar him and I don't want him to be damaged like I was damaged. So again like I said before, this thing called Motherhood is hard!
Going through this and recently celebrating Payten's birthday, has brought me back to the eventful/painful time of Payten's life when she was first born. Being reminded of how you have dreams for your children and how you always dream only best dreams for them, but sometimes the Lord has other plans that shatter those dreams. While pregnant you always think of your child and the life that child will have. You dream about how perfect they will be and how beautiful and smart, etc. they will be. Never do you think something will be wrong. But when that day hits, whether it be right at birth or nine years later, it still is devastating. For you are faced with a circumstance that you have to mourn. No matter how big or small it is, you still have to go through a grieving process. Reason being, the dreams you had for that child have been shattered and you have to face those shattered dreams and mourn those shattered dreams and accept those shattered dreams. For Payten it was really difficult, because Payten is not a straight forward case. She does not have Cancer, Autism, Diabetes, Learning disability, Cerebral Palsy, etc. She has an unusual case, full of many different things that bring uncertainty and unknown prognosis'. So through these four years we have had to live with the reality that she would not accomplish anything. We had to understand that every time she went into the hospital, might be the end of her little life. But we also had to live with the faith and hope that hurts would be healed and that she would accomplish things as long as the Lord deemed fit.
Can I just say, that Payten is a miracle! She has accomplished things beyond belief and she is still going strong! It is amazing to see! I never believed she would sit up and she is, I didn't know if she would roll over and she does! I didn't think I would be able to communicate with her and she is starting to do so! Hope is a great thing! We have always kept hope within our hearts regarding Payten and I believe that it is because of that hope, that Payten is able to do these things today. She is acting like a typical one year old, not walking yet! I say yet, because I have great faith and hope that in the near future with help from walking device she will! Yes, she is four and she has the mentality of a one year old, but all I have to say is it is progress! Yes, it may be extremely slow, but progress is progress and we will take what we can get! So as I have been faced with all of these recent findings regarding Zachary, I am reminded by my miracle baby, Payten, that it will be okay. That through hope all things can be done and miracles can happen! It will be challenging and dreams of him not having to face things I had to face as a child have been shattered, but it will be okay. He will make it and he will be better, stronger and greater because of it! Zachary is my kind hearted, peaceful loving, understanding child! I believe the Lord blessed him with these gifts because he knew he would be faced with some difficulties and these gifts would help mold him into the outstanding person he will become and is!
I love being a Mom and I love my children and I love my life. I have been faced with many difficulties, that at times seem unfair and if I could choose do it all over again, I would not want to relive these difficulties, but I would want to have the knowledge that I have gained by going through these difficulties. I would not give up these life altering lessons, for anything, for they are blessings that have made me a better person, wife and mother. So even though Motherhood is difficult and some of the dreams I have had for my kids have been shattered/changed, I would not trade it for the life of me, because it is beautiful and I love being a mom! And I believe my kids are perfect, as perfect as can be! May we all find the good in life!
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