Blessings! Huge Blessings!

As I sit here and contemplate how I should begin this post, nothing comes to mind, but the word BLESSINGS. I am so very blessed. Why? I do not know why. The question why, has been running through my head all day. Why me? What have I done in my life to deserve such a blessing as this? There are so many families and children who face turmoil, hardship, grief and pain, such as ours, but what makes us special? So many go through similar things and never come out, either they live with it for the remainder of their life or they pass away, why is Payten defying the odds? She has overcome so much and defied odds in so many instances and I truly am baffled as to why. Why her? I know the Lord's hand is in everything and I know this is what he had planned for our Payten, but I want to know why? I want to know what her mission is that she needs to fulfill, for she has already fulfilled so much in her little life. She has touched so many lives and has taught people so much, that I can not possibly comprehend what is left for her to do. Am I grateful, by all means yes! No parent ever wants to lose their child or have their child go through obstacles such as this, I just don't understand why some are blessed to overcome and others not so much? And I know that I will never fully understand these things until the life here after, but I still wish I could know why.

To say I am overcome with emotion would be an understatement. To say I am not overfilled with gratitude would be ungrateful. To say I am not in shock would be wrong, for the events that have transpired are HUGE! Now, I want to clear something up before I go on. I think some of you think that the trach has been a HUGE ordeal in our families life and that is not totally true. Yes, trachs are not ideal and they do bring extra burdens that are not wanted, but they are also good things, that bring HUGE blessings. I have been grateful for the trach, it has blessed our daughters life in so many ways. It has helped her to breathe, it has helped her to grow, it has helped her to development, but it has also caused some sleepless nights, some long days and frustrating moments, but what in life hasn't brought good and bad? Most everything in life has pros and cons.

Now, recently, I have hated the trach! LOL! Not because it was difficult, rather because I have an ornery 4 yr. old who has a mind of her own and decided she no longer wanted the trach and pulled it out ALL the time! That is why I hated the trach. It was not hard to get back in, it was just tiring, because you would get it back in and it would be out again in a matter of seconds and so it took a lot of my time and energy. That is why I had a Mommy dearest melt down last weekend, because I was fed up! The only thing I can relate it to, that some of you might understand, is a colicky baby. You do all you can to soothe this child who is suffering from colic and you finally get the child to stop crying and you go to set that child down or to walk away and the child starts crying again and this cycle just keeps going and going and going, until you can no longer take it. That is what I have been going through these past couple months with Payten pulling her trach out. But to say that the trach has been a burden in our lives and this a such a HUGE blessing for it to be gone, is not totally true. The trach has not been a burden in our lives but for this short time, the other 3 yrs and 10 months have been good, yes there were moments where it was not as good as others, but all in all it was good, so I will say this, the trach has been a blessing in our daughters life, but it has come time for us to move on, for she no longer needs it and she is ready for new opportunities to be had and they can not be had with the trach, so we say goodbye dear friend, goodbye!

Never did I see this day coming. I had accepted that is was part of who Payten was. I had accepted that the trach would be a forever thing and I was okay with that, it did not bother me, for I loved my daughter no matter what. Now that I see that it is a thing of the past, I am overwhelmed with thoughts and like I said emotions. I don't know what to think. This opens up so many possibilities and I am so excited to see where this takes us. For so long, I have yearned to hear my daughters voice. I have yearned to hear her say, Mommy, I love you! And for so long I have believed that I would never hear it until the life here after and now, it is a possibility, now it is something that could happen in the near future and I can not begin to tell you how that makes me feel. It also opens up doors in her nutrition, for now she will be able to eat by mouth better and maybe in a few years have the G-Tube taken out! Which is another thing that I never thought would be a possibility and now it is. Our families life is going to change in so many ways, my brain is on over load just thinking about all the changes that will take place. We are going to sleep better, our house will to less cluttered with medical equipment and it will be quieter, especially at night! It is crazy to think about and exciting too!

I believe in miracles and I am seeing miracles happening right before my eyes and all I can think is, WOW! Payten you are AMAZING! I have a extraordinary little girl, whose spirit is stronger than anyone could ever imagine. It is by and through her strength and her faith that these things are happening. I am in admiration, here is a person who has been through so much and could have given up at any moment and no one would have held it against her, for if it were us, we would have given up long ago, but she didn't give up. She kept going! Through everything, she remained happy. Through everything, she kept a smile on her face. Through it all she fought a strong fight and now because of her strength, she has come out on top! I am beyond honored to call her my daughter. She is my hero, she is who I look up to and if I can become half the person she is, then I will have lived an amazingly honorable, good life. I have learned so much from this little girl and I still have so much to learn and for that I am grateful that I can be her mother. I try to live my life in way that makes me worthy to call her my daughter, for she truly is perfection!

Now with all this joy, comes fear. I am afraid to become too happy or excited because I fear that she is going to decline again and it will be when I fully let my guard down and that worries me. I fear that I am going to become too comfortable with these new circumstances and I am going to forget how difficult it was and then if she declines, I will have to go through all the hardship and pain again, which I do not want to relive, but I also don't want to be fearful either. I don't want to live cautiously, worrying that she could go back to all of this, meaning the vent, the trach, etc., rather I want to enjoy her life and enjoy this time and this new found happiness. So I guess that is where my faith comes in. I will have faith that the Lord's hand is in all of this and that if the time comes that she digresses, then that time comes, but for now I will live in the moment and I will enjoy and eat up what good her life has to offer now, rather than worry what the future may hold. That is so hard at times to do, but I need to do it. This is a day that I will never forget, for this is a milestone that will change my daughters life forever and for that I thank my Heavenly Father. The next triumph will be when she starts to walk and she will walk! We are getting there, slowly, but surely and that will be another amazing happenstance in Payten's life!  Life, what a crazy adventure! And these are the moments that make it worth living. Before I go I want to say thank you to each and everyone of you who have prayed for our Payten, none of this would have happened without your help through prayer, thank you so much for helping our daughter to become better and have been doors of opportunities opened. We are forever grateful for your love, support and kindness! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Keep the prayers coming, they are changing her life! I can't stop smiling and crying, what a great day this has been! I am so very blessed!