As I was driving home from the hospital tonight the thought hit me, I can not believe how easy it was for me to leave my daughter lying in a hospital bed. Then it got me thinking how terrible that is, how terrible a thing to be able to just walk away, no real worry or concern, just walk away and go home, attend to my other children, sleep and go back in the morning. How awful am I? I am her mother, how can I leave her so easily?
Then I thought, no, no I am not awful, rather I was forced to become accustom to leaving my child lying in a hospital bed while I go home and attend to the rest of my family. Never, though, did I ever think I would grow or have to grow accustom to this and how naive is that! Seriously, here I have a daughter who has some pretty extensive medical issues and at first I did not think we would spend as much time as we have in the hospital. I believed that once she had her different surgeries and we had all her medications, the hospital would be a thing of the past and we would just be able to handle it outpatient between her different doctors. How quickly I discovered I was wrong and that the hospital would be a major aspect in Payten's life and therefore I better get use to it and enjoy it (for lack of better words!). But never in a million years, did I believe it would become as easy as it has become to leave her and go home to attend to my other children. For ultimately, I am leaving her with strangers.
Please, don't get me wrong, these doctors and nurses have been seeing Payten since birth, so they know Payten extremely well and they know us extremely well too, but how much do we really know about them, honestly? Yes, sometimes they feel like family or really close friends, but do I really, KNOW them? So then why is it so easy for me to entrust my daughter to their care?
As I contemplate this, I think it all boils down to the fact that I have to, I have no other choice, I need them, Payten needs them and so therefore I have to put my trust in them and believe they have my daughters best interest at heart. I have to have faith that they love my daughter and I do have that faith in them. Now do I wish that I didn't have to do this, absolutely. Do I feel no parent should have to come to this point, yes. Do I think it is fair, no. But with all of that, it does not change my circumstance. It does not change the fact that my daughter suffers from illnesses that require frequent hospitalizations and so therefore I have to become accustom to this life and I have to love it and embrace it and trust in it and in the good people who are apart of it.
How grateful I am for Cardon's Children's Medical Center and the good Doctors and Nurses who work there. I am thankful that they are in my life and they can help my daughter when it reaches the point of helplessness and we need them to take over. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have such a good facility to take my daughter to.
So, even though at times I feel like a crap mom for leaving my daughter so easily in a hospital bed, I know I am not. I know I am doing the best I can and that I am doing what is best for my daughter. I just find it so ironic that before Payten, I never understood how a parent could leave their child alone in a hospital bed and now I am that parent! Through all of this I am learning and growing and realizing that I need to stop and put myself in other peoples shoes and judge not, because one day I might just be in their exact situation, doing exactly what I am judging them for doing. I am so grateful for these moments I have to learn and grow. I am so thankful for my daughter Payten and the beautiful girl she is and I am truly grateful for the men and women who help her daily with the things she needs and for my Heavenly Father for putting good, trustworthy, honorable people in my life who are qualified to help Payten. It truly does make it easier to trust them with her care. Life is hard, but I am learning how to love it and embrace everything that comes with it! COME WHAT MAY AND LOVE IT, right?!?!
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