Motherhood: One of the Hardest things you will ever do and yet the MOST rewarding!

Stress and worry seem to be an unavoidable thing in my life these days. I feel like I try to hide from it, take a break from it, run from it, etc. but it has a way of still finding me no matter what I do. I know ALL mothers experience this. I know motherhood is one of the hardest things a woman will ever do. We do so much as mothers. The saying is true that motherhood is the hardest work a woman will ever perform and the most rewarding. But a mother of a special needs child has not only all the work of a typical mother and the stresses that come with that, but also all the work, care, concern and stress that comes with a child with complications/special needs.

Yes, children get sick, children go to the hospital, they break bones, etc. But it is short lived. They eventually get better and things seem to go back to normal. That is not the case for a child with special needs, they do not get better. You go to the hospital and spend days, weeks, sometimes even months and still go home doing EVERYTHING that was done there and more. You rarely get those long stretches of stress/worry free moments, you get them, they do come, but most of the time they are short lived.

We are constantly concerned about what the future holds. Yes, we try not to dwell on it and yes, we try to live day by day and moment by moment, enjoying all the little things their lives have to offer because you realize those are the most precious things of all. But even doing/trying this, it still weighs on your shoulders. All the worry, stress, decisions, questions, and heartache. You start to feel like you are getting a grip/handle on life and that you have a  good routine down;  you truly feel life is somewhat NORMAL and then BAM something new hits you and you are faced with more hard decisions, worry, heartache and stress.

You start to wonder when will it end? When will the day come that you get a break from all of this? When will the weight be lifted from your shoulders. What does the future hold for this child? Will I ever feel in control? Will answers come? And it hits you, that day might not EVER come and you soon realize that you have to learn the ultimate struggle/goal, you have to learn to let your hopes for that child out weigh your fears.

John Wayne once said, Courage is being Scared to death and saddling up anyways. This week I have been struggling with ALL these emotions. We have had a lot thrown at us these past few months and more things these past few weeks, that have options to be weighed, and tough decisions/choices to think about and make. It has taken me two years to feel comfortable with my new life, to feel  like I have everything down and  that I have a little control over what is happening and that finally things are settling down for my family. Then we get more things thrown at us, more decisions that need to be made, more worry, heartache and stress. And it is not because we have new knowledge or found something new, but rather the decisions, obligations and worry that follow.

What is the right choice? Will we have regrets in the choices we make? What is best for our child? Are we being selfish? How will this affect our child? ETC., You don't ever want to regret anything you do and so you want to make the best choice you can so that you do not look back and wish you would have done it different. You never want to limit your child, but rather you always want to see the potential that child has. Every child has gifts they just unwrap them at different times.

So that is why, I have decided we will go forth with testing on Payten's ears/hearing. (Read pervious post about this and why we are wanting it, if you need/want more info. email me, IM me, etc and I will let you know further regarding this.) I am hoping that the decision I have made will be the right one and I am not going to care whether or not treatment will help or rather allow that fear to cloud my judgement. I believe knowledge is power and I want to know as much as I can about my child so I can be prepared as best I can for what may come in the future. I will try treatments and anything else that I can for her and if they don't work, then they don't work, but at least I tried and will not have regrets later.

There are two ways I can meet my difficulties, I can try to change them or I can change how I meet/handle them. Christopher Reeves said, Anyone can give up, it is the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart is true strength. I am trying to hold it together. I am trying to fulfill my gift of Motherhood to the best of my ability and take it SERIOUSLY. I know it is not easy and I know that the Lord never said it would be easy, but rather that it would be worth it. I know God does not give me anything I can not handle, but sometimes I wish he would not have so much faith/trust in me.

To all you Mothers out there, keep up the GREAT work you are doing, know that you are amazing and strong. Your children love you, they honor and respect you and most of all they need you. But, to all you Mothers out there with special ones, know that you are the strongest of the strongest and you are not alone. The work you do will not go unnoticed or unrewarded. You are the MIRACLE in that little life, they are not strong enough to endure it alone, but they are with you by their side.

Never give up hope, always search for the light and happiness, because it is there, even if it seems relentless and hopeless, the light is there. Albert Einstein said, There are only two ways to live your life, one is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though EVERYTHING is a Miracle. Let's live the miracle. Even though we know that stress will happen and worry will always be there, lets look for the miracles, let's enjoy the little moments we have been given with these special ones, because when it is all said and done those moments are going to be what we will have to hold on to and cherish.

I love being a Mom and I have the best of both worlds and would not change it for the life of me. Perseverance is not one long race, but rather many short races and I am still learning how to take them one step at a time. Thank you to all my dear friends who help me when I am down and troubled. This week I needed you and you were there. I could not have made the decisions I made with out the support of my family and friends to those of you, you know who you are, I love you and appreciate you! I will keep you posted on what happens with the testing and what we find out and whether or not treatment will be available for Payten. Good night and God Bless!