For the past few weeks now, I have been having an internal struggle with myself on so many levels. I have been dealing with so much stress, that it has been hard to see the good in life and that is where the internal struggle has been. I have so many emotions going through my body, it is hard to not allow the negative ones to take over. My thoughts have been all over the place. Many of them keep going back to when Payten was a baby and the emotions I felt back then. Those dark thoughts and fears keep creeping back in, but I need to remain strong and pray those demons away, for we have come so far.
I don't want to live in the past and I don't want to worry about the future, I want to be in the now, cherishing the moments of today. Though it is hard to not worry about tomorrow, the fear inside is so strong at times, that it is truly hard to not succumb to it. I remember sitting in the hospital, surrounded by strangers, crying my eyes out, while pouring my soul to my Heavenly Father, pleading to him to not take my daughter from me, because I was not ready or strong enough, not because I am fearful of death, for I do not fear death, I know this life is not the end all, I know there is life after death, rather my plea was a selfish one, for I could not bare to stand saying goodbye to my child. No mother in this world wants to give up her child and at that moment I was just a Mom, pleading to her Father, asking for anything, but death. I told him that I would do anything, I would take any burden he threw at me, as long as he spared my daughter. I did not understand the impact of what I was asking for, nor did I care, but now I do and I think about that plead often and if I would have changed it, if I could have seen the future? I also I think about a question I was asked a while back by a friend, her question was, Do you regret that prayer? Do you regret that plead? My answer to both these thoughts/questions is simple, it is No.
As much as it pains me to watch my daughter at times suffer and struggle, I can honestly say, I do not regret her. I do not regret her life. For I would not be who I am today or be where I am today if it were not for my sweet Payten. She has done more teaching in her short life, than I have in my 30 plus years and for that I will be forever grateful. Now with all these complications Payten is having, these emotions and thoughts, like I said previously, are all coming back to me and why wouldn't they? I am a Mother of four children, going about my daily life, doing the best I can, while watching one of my children go through undeniable, indescribable pain, still pleading with my Father in Heaven, while crying my eyes out. The difference is I am not pleading for him to spare my daughter's life, rather I am asking him to please remove this bitter cup from her, I am begging him to end the suffering she is enduring, to relieve all pain she is feeling, and to ultimately allow these trials to be over. I am asking for the Father's will to be done.
What that will is, I do not know, but I will put my full trust in him that he will do what is best for my daughter and that is all I can do. If it means letting go and having to say goodbye to my daughter, then so be it, because all I desire is for my daughter to be freed from all this. But if he grants me days and years with my daughter, then he grants me days and years. And if those days and years are filled with pain and suffering, then I hope I gain an understanding that this is what the Lord deems fit for my child for the time being and that my family will learn and grow from all these experiences. For I ultimately know that eventually this Mother's plead will be heard and that the days and years will get better, I just don't know when those days and years will be. So for now, until those days and years come, I will pray, that the Father will give me the strength to stand, the eyes to see the good, and the hope and faith to endure through the darkest of hours back into the light.
Though I am not in as dark of a place as I was back then, when Payten was so small and frail, fighting to live, I still have HUGE mountains to climb and huge mountains I will keep climbing! I will keep fighting and enduring for my Payten, until the day comes when I can no longer do so or until I no longer have to, whichever day comes first. I am bound and determined to live a life of quality with my Payten and enjoy the moments she gives me! Though my life is hard and though I cry often and feel lost and alone at times, I still love it and embrace it. It is through my faith and hope that I ultimately get by.
I share these thoughts we with you, not to boast of myself, or to receive your pity, rather I share them, so that you may have an understanding of who I am. I am a mother, but not only that, I am a mother of a special needs child, who places special needs on me and I am in need of special friends! I don't need friends who pity me or my family or my child. I need friends who will accept me and my life for what it is and be understanding, compassionate and non judging. I need friends who are willing to listen and not talk, who allow me to cry on their shoulder and who serve me without being asked. I need true friends, who know I am the mother of a very special child, who places very special needs on me and I need special friends who can lend special help and care, who will know I am forever grateful to them, though I am not always there!
Thank you, all of you, who are there for me, whether it be by kind words, acts of service, thoughts or prayers, I feel your love and it helps me daily. You are a God send and I love you all. Thank you so very much, I wish there were better words to describe my gratitude. You are the best and Payten and I love you!
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