If you are not happy about something in your life, then change something!

Today clarified to me that the complications Payten faced the other day were indeed from Joseph and I playing around with her medications and the time we were giving them. It breaks my heart that the other day could have been prevented if I just would have stuck to what she was use to and not tried to change the normal. But now there is no doubt in the back of my mind saying have you thought of everything? Is there anything else you can do, to improve her quality of life? Rather Joseph and I now know we are doing what we can and though she is still sleeping a lot, we know we have tried all we can to help her and therefore we will take what we get and enjoy the fact that she is doing better. However, I do believe we took a few steps back by preforming our experiment, but I am hopeful that her drowsiness will go back to being less and less everyday with time. I am just thankful that all the events from the other day were due to the changes in medication and not illness.

I was happy to wake up this morning and see Payten doing so well, but my happiness depleted when the reality of my mundane life hit. I love Motherhood and what it entails, but let's be real for a second, I do NOT love every minute of Motherhood and if I said I did, I would be lying. I mean do not get me wrong, I do love being a Mom, but every once in a while, the "Mommy Blues" hit and I feel like I am in a rut of nothing but cleaning, cooking and raising children. Again don't get me wrong, I do love these things and doing these things, but sometimes there are days, that I just want to run away from it and take a break and today just happened to be one of those days. But reality hit and I realized there was no way that I was going to get that break, for Joseph was at work and then he had to go and help family with some different things, therefore I was stuck doing the same old, same old and it made me a little sad, not because I don't love it, but rather because everyone needs a break and today was a day I needed a break. And it didn't help matters when the kids started running amok and not listening. It made me want to run away that much more. So when Joseph finally got home, I went to my room and laid down for a bit. It was nice moment, but honestly, not the "break" I was hoping for exactly. I guess beggars can't be choosers, right?!Rather, I get what I get and I shouldn't throw a fit!

Anyways, after about an hour of laying down, I got up to watch the Saturday afternoon session of the LDS General Conference. This is a conference that is done by the LDS Church annually, once in April and once in October, they have two sessions on Saturday and two sessions on Sunday, the first session is at 9am, the second session is at 1pm. I just wanted to explain what I was talking about in case you did not know and give you all the information in case you wanted to tune in, that is if you don't tune in already. While I was watching and listening to the different talks during the session this afternoon, one of the talks spoke to me personally. Elder Jeffery R. Holland's talk struck me hard and made me realize a few things. It made me realize, first of all that I need to do my best and be happy with my "best". It also made me realize that I need to not forget about "me" or lose who I am,  while serving my family, especially while serving my sweet Payten. I realized that I need to slow down a little and lower my expectations when it comes to my house and everything that is entailed when caring for Payten etc and just do what I can and know that I am doing my best and come to realize that my best is good enough and stop worrying what others might think of me or my best. Also I need to stop comparing my best to somebody else's best, for we are all different and we all have different strengths and weaknesses, therefore we need to embrace our best and love it. That is easier said than done, but I am going to work hard at it. I also realized that I can't do it all, I need help and not necessarily help from others, such as friends, etc. but rather help from my family, meaning my children! I realized that I have been kind of a lazy Mom when it comes to teaching my children how to listen and to understand what responsibility is and what their particular responsibility is to our family. No wonder I wanted to run away this morning, I have been doing everyone else's job on top of mine, but Elder Holland's talk made me realize a favorite quote of mine which states, "If you are not happy about something in your life, then change something." And change something, I will!

I left this session with new found perspective on Motherhood and what I am doing right, and what needs to be changed. It took me a little bit to get over myself and to really listen and realize all of this, but I am happy that I was able to open my heart up to the messages of today and figure out the changes that need to be done in my life to bring about more happiness. This evening, while Joseph was gone, I sat the kids down and told them exactly how I was feeling and that I loved them, but things needed to change, for I am only one person and though I have great responsibility to our family, I can't do it all, as much I as I want to, I can't, therefore I need help and that help needs to come from them. Then we discussed how I had been feeling overwhelmed with all the needs of our family and then we discussed what I felt they were old enough to help with. Both Zachary and Makenna were very responsive to the different tasks I felt they could help with and happily agreed to help out. I just pray that I follow through and that they are as willing as they say they will be. This is a necessary thing, for I want to raise well rounded, good mannered, responsible children, who don't have an entitlement attitude, but rather a more gracious and helpful attitude. So here's to some change in the Merrill home and to me trying to be a better Mom. Boy am I going to need luck, for change is not easy, especially when it comes to this Momma and her OCD, for I like it done a certain way, but in order for this "change" to happen, I have to relinquish MY control and allow my kids to do it their own way and just be thankful that they are helping and not try to redo all their tasks behind them. Oh boy is this going to be hard, but I am up for the challenge and am hopeful that we can do it and do it we will!

Before I go I just want to say thank you all again, all of you who prayed in Payten's behalf, for I truly believe that is why she is doing so well right now. I am so grateful that she is doing well right now and I hope that her wellness continues. I pray that you all have a blessed night and a great day tomorrow. Much love and Good night.