Today was post Birthday madness/fun in our house, but before I get into that, I want to say something about my previous post about Payten turning 5. The reason that I shared Payten's story of life at the beginning, was not only because I felt strongly to do so, but also to help you to fully understand, why it was such a BIG deal in our family, that Payten turned 5! With a beginning like Payten's and the obstacles and trials that we have come to face since then should help you to see why it was such a big deal. I share to help people fully understand what the big deal was in Payten's fifth birthday, because way back then, while sitting watching our daughter fight to survive, five seemed to be an impossible age to be reached and yet we reached it, which is another triumph for Payten in her book of life. I do not believe many cases would have turned out the Payten's case has, but for whatever reason, Payten's life has been spared.
I do not know or understand the why behind it, all I know is that there have been a few instances where Payten should have gone home to her Father in Heaven and she didn't and I thank him everyday for that. But I also question why she is still here, for I wish she could escape this mangled body that she is trapped in and be free of the pain and suffering that she faces on a regular basis, but obviously, there is something that she has to do, there is something that Joseph and I have to learn and I pray daily that we can learn it and she can do it, so that she can be set free and the only way she will be set free from all of this is through death.
Right now we are in a good place, a few weeks and months ago we were not and I know/understand that this long, hard journey is not over, for we still have many obstacles we are going to face. The hospital is not a thing of the past, yes the hospitalizations have lessened, but we still go back and forth between hospital and home and that will most likely be a forever thing, unless God allows a miracle and Payten's brain and body are healed or she goes home to him, either way it is in his hands as to when this journey ends.
In these five years, Payten has learned how to sit on her own, she has taken steps with the help of a gait trainer, light gait machine, or by the help of an adult holding her up. She signed for the first time ever on Monday, she had her tracheotomy removed and she is no longer ventilator dependent, etc. etc. Seriously, the list could go on and on of all the accomplishments Payten has achieved in these past five years. These are the miracles that we are talking about. These are the miracle that we have seen in these five years, things that we had ultimately hoped for, but honestly could not say for sure would ever happen in Payten's lifetime and they have. I do not fully know what the future holds for my daughter, but I do know that my daughter has a progressive brain disorder that will eventually take her life, when that day will be we do not know, but we do know that one day it will come. So therefore, I will hold out the hope that even though there will be more times during Payten's life that death comes knocking on our door, we will have the strength to conquer if and hopefully receive another five years with her, filled with more unimaginable miracles.
I saw this picture today on Facebook and I thought to myself, hey this could be Payten with her sister Makenna in five years and though they will be bigger and taller, the picture will still look the same, a sister helping a sister, and it made me think, maybe, just maybe the dreams I had for these two sisters will come true, it might take ten years to get there, but that is okay, for I truly believe Payten is a butterfly still trapped in her cocoon, trying desperately to fully emerge and once she emerges it is going to be breath taking, but that immersion might not happen until the next life and I have had to come to terms with that and guess what, I have, for I ultimately know that no matter what, I am going to witness that immersion, for I will have Payten forever and forever and that is what gives me the strength and hope to keep going.
If I said that this did not test my faith, I would be lying. The stories I shared in my last post, about the previous obstacles Payten has faced, really left me questioning my Mormon faith. SURPRISE! I'm a Mormon! LOL! Shocking, right?! I am totally kidding, I know it is not very surprising or shocking, for I am pretty open about my beliefs, but hey I had to say it, for that is a huge part of who I am! Anyways, moving on, during the dark hours where I watched my daughter struggle for life, I began to question God. I began to ask myself if what I believed was true. I felt as though God had forsaken me in my darkest hour. But I am here to say, no, I am here to testify that I know God loves me. I know that he lives and that he is real and knows who I am and understands my heartache and my sorrow and pain. For through these hours of turmoil and grief, have come the greatest of testimonies inside me. I can not, nor will I ever, deny that there is a God in heaven, and a Savior Jesus Christ, and a life after death. These are the reasons I can handle what I face everyday with Payten with grace and dignity. This knowledge is what will ultimately allow me to let my selfish desires go, for no Parent wants to say goodbye to their child or out live their child, but because of these truths, I can and will be able to let her go home to heaven and that will be the day that I know she is free from all pain, sorrow, and hardship, for that will be the day she enters paradise. This is some of what these past five years have taught me with my Payten and I am beyond blessed to have been taught this first hand. Most families do not get this blessed opportunity to learn first hand through their child what the pure love Christ is, but we have, most people do not get a glimpse into heaven, but we do. This is why I call Payten my greatest of blessings, for she truly is angel sent here to teach me the way back to heaven.
This is why Payten turning five was such a BIG deal and why it was so important for me to do something special for her. Believe me, her birthday celebration was nothing praiseworthy, but it was special. We kept it very simple and we had her most favorite people there, who are very special to her. We placed balloons all over and we had tissue paper thrown about for her to play with, for these are some of her favorite things. Then we opened presents and sang Happy birthday and that is about it, other than, all of us spending time playing with her, which she absolutely adored being the center of attention! I went with the theme of simple and it turned out prefect, I guess the saying is right, The simpler, the better! The smiles on her face said it all last night. And this morning she woke up happy and ready to have fun, so instead of rushing things and starting the day right away, I took it slow, and we stayed in our pajamas and played with the post birthday balloons and toys, it was pure heaven. Seriously, I can not wait to see what the next five years brings, for I am hopeful that we will be allotted another fives years with our sweet Payter Tater! I am grateful for all my blessings and I hope each of you are thankful for yours. I will continue to pray for God to bless you all and may you all have a good night.
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