These past few days have been long and stormy

I am not sure where to begin this post. So I am going to start with a quote I saw today on facebook,

I really liked this quote, for I believe it pertains to use all. Everyone goes through storms during their lives and though it may be hard, the key truly is to not allow the storm to get inside you.

The reason I share this quote is because for the past few days it has been extremely stormy in the Merrill home. Storms that have gotten inside both Joseph and I, but I am trying really hard to not succumb to these storms. However with that being said, sometimes certain stresses and storms in life are inevitable not to succumb to and this storm that Joseph and I have been facing these past couple of days, is indeed one of those types of storms.

Let me explain, but before I do, let me say, that this is really hard for me to share, for I did not necessarily want to share this, but in order for me to overcome the stress/storm I have been facing, I need to be able share and release the emotions and pain that are within me due to these events. Here it goes, as of this week, I was 10 wks. pregnant. For some of you this comes as a shock, for I said that Emmett was our last baby and I thought he was, until almost a year ago, when Joseph and I both had a overwhelming feeling that there was one more child waiting to complete our family. Therefore I did not follow through on the permanent birth control measure I was going to take. So you can only imagine the excitement Joseph, I and the kids felt, when we found out I was pregnant with baby number five.

Unfortunately, due to recent events, I am no longer pregnant. I had planned for this week to be filled with fun and excitement due to it being October break. But not only did I want to do something fun because of the break, I also wanted to do something fun because I have notice lately, that I have become I real home body and that is something that I do not like to see. So instead of falling victim to this cycle, I wanted to try and break the cycle and do something fun and different with the kids and this just seemed to be the perfect week to do it in. Therefore I had planned on venturing out of my comfort zone and taking the kids to different places such as museums, parks, etc. all by myself this week. Unfortunately, life had other plans for me.

Monday, obstacles just kept falling in our way, that foiled our plans of going to the park and having a picnic, etc. But the evening seemed to go as planned and we were able to go out shopping as a family and still have some fun. However, when we got home, things seemed to spiral out of control and that is when the bleeding and pain began. At first I was in shock. I did not know what to think. Was this really happening to me? Maybe it was just harder spotting than I was used to and tomorrow it would be better. But as the night progressed, so did the pain and bleeding, to the point I knew I was going to lose the baby. The next morning I called the doctor and made an appointment in hopes that there might be a way of saving this pregnancy. However, when the doctor examined me, she said that the bleeding was significant and therefore I would most likely pass the tissue of the baby, within the next few days.

After a very painful and agonizing day, I finally was able to pass the tissue late last night. To say I sobbed would be an understatement. To say I felt pain and grief would be unjust. This is something that can not be explained in words. It is a pain both physically and emotionally, that you can not comprehend, unless you have gone through it. I now have empathy towards those Mothers who have experienced such a tragedy called miscarriage. I now understand the loss and the pain that is involved with such a tragedy and for that I am truly sorry to those who have faced this. It is a loss and pain that no one should ever have to face, but unfortunately it something that is more common than we realize. And it does not matter if you are a first time Mother or if you are a mother of multiple children, it is still a hard ordeal to go through, for it is a child that you have lost; a child you were excitedly awaiting the arrival of that will no longer come.

The hardest part for me was explaining the tragic events to my children. They were so excited for this baby. Everyday, they would give names of what they wanted for the baby and Makenna would kiss my stomach and say, Hi Baby! So when I had to say that there was no longer a baby inside me, it was devastating and they cried for the loss of their brother or sister. It truly broke my heart that much more, than if it would have just been Joseph and I who knew about this baby. The only saving grace was that we did not tell others, rather we wanted to surprise everyone with our Christmas card and announce the new arrival then. The other saving grace I had in all of this was that I passed all the tissue and I will not need surgery or other help passing it, which will make the healing process a lot faster.

Though I felt like I truck hit me this morning and I had pain in places I did not know existed and I was beyond tired, I know this too shall pass and that this is not the end of the world and that it could be a lot worse. However, with that being said, this is still a tough thing to endure, but I am trying to endure it well and not allow it to overcome me. These are the moments that I am the most thankful for my faith and the eternal perspective that comes with that faith. I know that this baby that I just lost will be mine, whether in this life or in the next life, I will have this baby as mine own and I will raise him/her and for that I am thankful to have this perspective/knowledge that I have, for it makes tragedy's such as this bearable.

This is what life is all about, facing and enduring different hardships, so that we can become better by and through those hardships. We are all born good people, but it is life's tragedies and hardships that mold us into better people. I know that eventually I will see the blessing in all of this and that I will see the transformation in myself and for that I am truly thankful. Like the beginning quote said, We all pass through storms, but we need not let the storms in our live or allow them to over power us, rather we need to pass through them the best we can, taking the good with the bad and allowing these storms to change our hearts for the better. Ultimately it is up to us whether we allow these changes of our hearts happen or not. We can either grow from our storms or we can succumb to them, it is up to us what happens, but I hope and pray that we all choose to grow, for that is what makes life beautiful.

On a happier note, Payten is doing well! Yay! Though tragedy struck our home this week, it did not seem to have an effect on Payten. She keeps doing better and better. I believe that she is going to be able to start school soon and that makes my heart happy. Luckily Joseph was able to take time off of work to pick up the slack that I was unable to do from the physical limitations that the miscarriage caused me. Payten rocked therapy this week and I was sad to miss, but fortunately her PT sent me pictures of her success and here is my favorite of all the pictures,

The picture is darker on the computer than it was on my phone, so for that I am sorry. If you can not tell, the picture is of Payten standing in her light gait trainer at Physical Therapy. I hope that you can see the smile on her face, for it speaks volumes! This is the Payten we have missed! Finally she is coming back and we are starting to see the Payten we had lost in all of these seizures and other set backs. We are finally getting back to the good place we were once in, before all of these hardships  hit our sweet Payten. What a blessing it is to see her finally coming back to this good place. It helps me to be able to see all the blessings in my life, though I have face some real tragedy this week; these are the moments that help me to keep going, with a heart full of gratitude. If Payten can face such tragedy in her short life and still smile, then I can face this small tragedy and come out smiling too. It is all about attitude and perspective, that is what my sweet Payten has taught me.

On another good note, we finally have a surgery date for Payten. Her surgery will be on November 4, 2013. It is later than I anticipated or wanted it to be, but I am thankful that is happened this way. For I could not have predicted the recent events, and now I will have the time I need to get through these events. I will be able to overcome the physical and emotional pain that is involved, as well as clear my head of any sorrow and grief that may follow and be ready for what may come from Payten's surgery. I know that the Lord's hand was in all of this and that he was truly looking out for the best interest of everyone involved and for that I am truly thankful.

Though these past few days have been long and stormy, filled with grief and pain, I know I am blessed beyond compare and I am thankful for those blessings. I love my life and I know that everything happens for a reason and that soon I will fully understand the whys to all of this and I will be able to see the blessing that come from it. For now I will remain faithful that it will get better and the pain will subside. I am thankful to all of you for your love, support, thoughts and prayers. They have been felt and are much appreciated. I pray that we may all face life's challenges with an open heart that will help us to learn and grow from them, so that we may all transform into the better people we are meant to be. May you all have a blessed week and a Good night. Much love and God bless.