Today was another day that was lacking that zip that I was talking about in yesterdays post, and boy did I need some of that zip today. I had a hard time sleeping last night, due to the events I talked about in my last post, therefore I had a hard time getting up and going this morning. All through the night I kept waking up to check on Payten, to make sure she was okay and every time I would do so, I would start crying, for the worry would take over me, leaving me to feel pain and sorrow. I just could not seem to get my mind to be at peace with everything, which left me restless and tired this morning from the lack of sleep I got last night. So you can imagine how my day went. Very blah and boring is right! After waking up and realizing I had no energy and probably was not going to get any, anytime soon, I decided, that it would probably be in my best interest, as well as Payten's best interest to cancel her Orthotic appoint in Phoenix today, due to Payten not feeling well and I am happy I did, for Payten did not have a good day whatsoever. By canceling this appointment, it opened up my day to be free of any real comments, which it allowed to feel like I could have a laid back type of day, that was geared towards hanging out with Emmett and Payten, playing games and watching cartoons. What Mom doesn't want a day like that?! Seriously?!
However, Payten had other plans. Shortly after I woke her up at 9am, she had a couple of seizures, which left her in an unconscious state and had her back to having the weird breathing patterns she was having yesterday. It was quite frustrating to see her go through all of this and it made me quite angry, for I do not understand why this is happening? I do not understand why we can not get these blasted seizures under control? And quite frankly it is really upsetting me and I think the real reason behind why it is upsetting me so much, is because, I do know why we can not control the seizures and I do know why this is happening, but I don't want to accept truth nor believe it, for that would mean I would have to accept the fact that my daughter is getting closer and closer each and everyday to death and no Mother or Father wants to accept that truth, ever. So instead of enjoying my morning playing with Payten and Emmett, I rather spent my morning attending to my daughter, trying to get her as comfortable as possible, while trying to get her labored breathing calmed and normalized. And I did all of this, while crying over the fact that my daughter is not getting better and probably will never get better, which is slowly, but surely breaking my heart. After I was through releasing all my tears and frustrations about Payten and the things I can not control, I basically held my finger up to my responsibilities for the day and decided to hang out with Emmett instead, lounging about, watching cartoons, while looking at facebook and playing games. It may not have been the best day, filled with productivity, but hey, it was a day that was well spent trying to take my mind off of the stresses in my life and hey, I must have done something right, for my right eye finally stopped twitching. Which believe me, this is a miracle in itself, for my eye has been twitching since Payten went into the hospital last month and so, I am thankful something good could come from today and that the relaxation I received helped to relieve some of the stress I was having, which stopped my annoying eye twitch!
Thankfully the Neurologist called me back today, which helped to relieve even more stress. After talking with him, he agreed that Payten's issues were worrisome and that he needed to see us as soon as possible. Therefore he made a few phone calls and found a family who was willing to reschedule their appointment, so that we could get in first thing tomorrow morning. He said that he was thankful he found somebody willing to do that, for now he would be able to sleep, knowing that Payten will be seen tomorrow, for he is very worried about her. Hearing him say this, made me realize how much he cares for and loves my daughter. Seriously, I believe Payten's Doctors have a special love for her, due to the fact that they have been with her since birth and they have put so much time and love into seeing that she has the best quality of life. We love our Doctors, they have truly become like family to us and we appreciate all the things they do for us, especially the extra little things they do on Payten's behalf, like calling and seeing if another family can reschedule, so we can take their place. The Doctor went on to apologize for not calling last night, he said he was going to, but by the time he finished at the hospital it was 12am and he did not want to wake us, nor call us, for he was finished with his day, therefore he added Payten to the top of his to do list for the following day. What a sweet and loving Doctor he is. I just hope and pray that he has some answers on how to help Payten to be comfortable and not suffer from all of these complications she is having to face right now. I have full trust in him, that he will do everything he can to ensure that Payten receives the help she needs. What a blessing it is to be able to trust in her Doctors, for when you are dealing with a sick child, a good, kind, understanding, loving, compassionate, smart, Doctor is vital and extremely important and we are lucky to be able to say that all our Doctors have the these qualities. It truly gives a peace of mind knowing our daughter is the best of hands possible and that makes my heart at peace too.
I pray that tomorrow is a better day and that our appointment goes well and that I can leave the appointment with a new found hope and a game plan on how to best help Payten. I pray that I can have peace of mind tonight, knowing that we see the Doctor in the morning, to the extent that I can get a well rested, good nights sleep, which will help to ensure that I will be able to wake up on time, filled with the energy that is needed to get everything done, so that we can get to her appointment on time. Even though my day was filled with tears and frustration, I know that I am loved and extremely blessed, therefore I can not, nor should not complain too much about life, rather I need to be grateful for everything, one being, that even though Payten's health may be declining, at least she is still here, blessing us with her sweet spirit. What a beautiful blessing that is and that is not the only blessing I have, so I need to keep my mind focused on the good, in order to try and drown out the bad. I love you all and I appreciate all of your prayers in our behalf, I know they are being heard and answered, so again, thank you for that. I pray that you all receive the well rested sleep your bodies need and that you have a blessed day tomorrow. Good night my dear friends and God bless each of you.
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