Thursday night I reached my breaking, but I seem to be getting back to normal today and thank heavens for that!

I think this is the longest I have gone between post, since I started my goal of posting daily and all I can say is that life got the better of me, quite literally. This past month has been pure hell on my body, mind and spirit and I believe that I have done a pretty good job holding myself together threw it all, with maybe a few minor breakdowns, but nothing too major, until this past weekend. Honestly, I do not know what triggered it, all I can say is that Thursday night I had a major breakdown, emotionally. I cried, until I could cry no more and all because of the harsh reality of my life and everything it entails. It sent me into a state that took me four days to completely come out of. I did what I had to do as a Mom, but once those necessities were complete, I totally and completely checked out. All weekend I was a ticking time bomb of emotion, with no clue of what or who would set it off. Thankfully no one or nothing really ever set it off, but believe me it was there and it definitely could have exploded, which I am beyond grateful it did not, for I can not fully comprehend or want to comprehend, the damage that it could have or would have caused.

Yesterday, was my day to go to church, since Joseph and I are having to take turns due to Payten's declining health. However, due to the emotional state I was in, I could not go. I actually started to get ready and then, had a complete emotional breakdown, for I could not imagine being around people and putting on a poker face, portraying that all was okay, when in all actuality, on the inside I was completely and totally crumbling/falling apart. Therefore Joseph went in my place. Honestly, as much as I wanted to go and be rejuvenated in my mind, body and soul, I truthfully, could not handle the social aspect of it all. During these times of heartache, pain and sorrow, I have come to find, that social situations are beyond bearable for me. Through the years, I have found that I have become an extremely introverted person. The only explanation I can find for it is, that it is a survival mechanism, that has helped to keep me as sane as possible. I honestly, I do not believe that I could handle much more pain than I already am faced with, therefore it is easier for me to shut people out, then to let them in, in fear that they might hurt me, more than I already am. This is a raw truth, that is hard for me to share, but easy for me to do behind a computer. I guess I felt it necessary to share, for the fact, that maybe you could understand the depth of the pain, Joseph and I face and that maybe you could understand why we are the way we are and why we act the way we act at times, if that makes any sense at all, which I truly hope it does. All I can say is that my heart has been broken more times than I thought it could be, due to all of these harsh life truths that I am faced with regarding my children, etc. and so to keep my heart safe, I keep people at a safe distance. It may sound sad, but it is true.

Last night, I got on here to blog and I kept falling asleep while doing so, which made me think that maybe that was a sign that I needed to stop blogging and go to sleep, which is what I did. I believe that with Payten's health declining and the meeting with Makenna's school and all the research I been doing in order to be prepared for the next meeting that is to come, as well as having sick kids and a house to run, on top of holidays and birthdays coming up, etc., it all, totally threw my body for a loop and all my brain could do was shut down. As much as I hate checking out at times in life, I have come to find that sometimes that is the only way to get through life. Thankfully, these check out moments typically do not last very long and I am able to pick up the pieces and rebuild a somewhat stronger foundation, that hopefully can withstand the next storm that soon will head my way. It does not mean that, the next storm will not cause me to fall, but it does mean that maybe, it will ensure that the fall is not as hard. I just have to realize that I can not do everything and I can not control everything and sometimes I just need to let go and allow things to happen or fall into place. This a lesson that I feel, I have been learning, but am still trying to master. It is so hard to not be able to control what happens to your children, especially as a mother. As a mother you want to fix everything and I am learning, as I watch one of my children slowly die, that I can not fix everything and believe me, it is beyond hard to grasp and except, but I am learning and I am trying to let things go as best I can.

I know I said this in a previous post, but I am not going say it again, I can not believe how much I have forgotten in the few months Payten was decanulated. Seriously?! It is insane to me how much we forgot! Not only did Joseph and I forget about how often we had to suction and how little sleep we would be getting, we also forgot how much we have to take with us, when we go out and about with our sweet Payter Tater in tow. It blows my mind when I think about it and when I  think about how long it went on as being my normal for so many years. So  let me explain what going out with a trach entails, we have to make sure we have oxygen and her pulse oximeter, as well as her suction machine and suction catheters and an optorator (which is the little piece, that helps to get the trach back in if it happens to come out.), and trachs and trach ties and saline, in case her secretions become thick, and much, much more. I literally feel as though I am taking the whole house with me when I leave and it makes me want to not go anywhere. I literally, at times want to pull my hair out, for it is mind boggling to me, how much it takes to take this little girl out on the town! And lets face it, it is not an option in my life to just stay home and go no where. So I find that I have to more often than not, put on my big girl panties and suck it up and deal with it. Yes, it stinks and yes, I hate doing it at times, but I know that it will get easier, because lets face it,  it was my normal for 4 1/2 yrs. Therefore I know that with and through patience and time, it will become my normal again, I just don't want to have to go through the time and the patience! Tomorrow is going to be my challenge, for I have a meeting at 9 in the morning, Zachary's IEP meeting to be exact and then I have Physical therapy for Payten, which means I will have to have everyone and everything ready by 8 am, in order to get the kids to school on time and make it to the meeting and therapy on time as well. Please wish me luck, cause I am definitely going to be in need of it.

Even though, I was emotionally, mentally and physically unstable these past few days, I am grateful that I was still able to get Makenna's pre-baptism pictures done for her upcoming baptism that is this Saturday. By getting these pictures finished, it took a huge weight off my shoulders, for it is one less thing I have to stress about and it helps that they turned out so very cute! Makenna can be a hard one to photograph, for she just does not like to cooperate or smile! Crazy girl, whom I love! Here are some of my favorites that my Sister Laura took, which I am very grateful she took time out of her busy schedule to do. So, Thank you Laura! You are the best and we love you! Now here are some of the pics that I love,

 

Seriously, this little girl is the cutest thing and I love her so much and I am excited for her baptism on Saturday, but as excited as I am, I am also going to be relieved when it is finally over, for it will be another thing that will be removed my heavy plate!

Though my weekend was not the best, today, happened to be a great day. I feel like I am finally picking up the pieces, like I said earlier and rebuilding a stronger, yet normal self again. I felt like I was able to handle life today. I was able to get the house clean and kids ready, before the therapist got to my house, all without stressing and not only that, but I was able to get dinner on the table by five, etc. It seems as though life is getting back to normal and that I am getting back into the swing of things. Now, with this being said, I need to say, that I could not have done it without the help from others. First of all I need to say thank you to my Dad for helping me, by taking the kids to school this morning and by being here to watch Emmett and Payten, while I picked them up from school. Second, I need to thank my sweet neighbor, who saw my post on facebook, that Zachary forgot his lunch and took it upon herself to take it to him for me and last, but certainly not least, I need to say thank you to my sweet friend and Zachary's scout leader, Amber, for picking up a new scout shirt for Zachary, because she knew I could not do it. All these things, may seem very small and very simple, but to me, they meant the world, for they helped to lightened my load today, which helped me to get back on my feet from an emotional breakdown I had just had a few days ago. I believe these people were prompted/sent to me, to be tender mercies in my life from my Heavenly Father. I believe since he can not be here to do it himself, he sent others in his place to do it for him. Therefore I know these people were sent to me by my Heavenly Father, to help me in the small and simple ways that they helped me in today and for that I say thank you to them for being so in tune and heeding to the promptings/feelings they felt that made them act/feel inclined to help a friend out.

Though I may have a life that is filled with grief, sorrow and pain, I also I have a life that is filled with happiness, laughter and fun. I have an extremely blessed life and though I may have moments where I feel down or self pity, etc. I know that I have it good and that those good things out weigh the bad and for that I am ultimately grateful. No, Payten is not well, especially right now, but I know that whatever happens, will be for the best. She has a doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon and I am hopeful that we will receive some answers, as to know how help her to be as comfortable as possible. I know that my Heavenly Father's hand is in my life and that he is watching over me and my family, especially Payten and I am grateful for that. I am thankful that things are settling down, emotion wise for me. I hope that these meetings and parties and holidays all come and go without a hitch and that I am able to withstand it all, without any major falls/breakdowns along the way. May you too, have a good Thanksgiving and Christmas that come and go with a hitch. For now I hope and pray you all have a blessed night, filled with the rest your body needs and a good day tomorrow. Much love from our family to yours.