I could not help but post this, because I know people think I am crazy at times and to be quite frank, I am crazy at times, hence the Unicorn! Seriously, anyone who knows well, knows that this could be a real conversation that comes out of my mouth, especially if I have just taken a pain pill, for I am a little crazy and I do like unicorns, so it is quite possible, especially with all the stress I have been under these past few days. I literally feel as though I have gone a little crazy and so therefore if I had a choice, I would ride away on a Unicorn, but before I did, you better believe, I would slap someone first! There you have it folks, a true, yet random fact about Kim Merrill, get a good laugh from it, if you may, for that is why I posted it!
Anyways, in all seriousness, I have had a crazy weekend, filled with stress. With Payten's complication's and Makenna's baptism, that was Saturday, as well as her Birthday and now Thanksgiving right around the corner, I have been a little stressed, which has sent me a little over the edge and has left me feeling somewhat crazy! I know it has been a few days since I posted, which is solely due to stress and life in the way. Now, the last post I shared on here, I stated that I had a Doctors appointment for Payten and that I was hoping that I would leave that appointment feeling more hopeful, but unfortunately, that hopeful feeling did not happen and that is where I want to begin this post, with Payten's appointment with her Neurologist.
Friday morning, I took Payten in to see her Neurologist, due to complications she was having, that her other Doctors felt strongly were stemming from the Neurological side of things and I was hoping that after I saw Dr. Cook, I would leave feeling a sense of hope, in knowing what was happening and how to help, but that did not happen. After discussing with him everything that has been going on with my sweet girl and him seeing a few things while we were there, it was concluded, that he can not be 100% sure as to what is going on, but he hopes and prays that it is seizures. Therefore he decided that we should double the amount of seizure medication she is on and hope that it fixes everything, however, if it does not fix it, then we know it is not seizures, but rather, it is her Neurological disorder, that is progressing and if it is that, then there is nothing we can do about it, other than allow it to run it's course and wait and see what happens, which most likely will end in a not so fortunate way. To say I left his office sad and defeated would be an understatement, but at least we have an idea of what is happening and hopefully the seizure medication will help her and if it doesn't, then we know we tried everything and it is what it is and we have to accept it for just that, her disease and it's progression. As hard at that will be, I have to have faith that no matter what, it will all work out, for everything happens for a reason. When I got home later that day, I saw this quote on facebook and I believe it sums up how I was/am feeling in regards to this matter, and it states,
Today, especially, has left me confused and wondering, what actually is the cause of all of these complications Payten is facing, for I just do not know anymore. Payten slept all day long, today, which could be a sign of both things, therefore I am left questioning if death is really upon us or if things will get better as the increased medication takes affect and believe me, it is the hardest feeling/thing that I have ever had to face. But I know that I need to remain strong, especially for Patyten, for if I remain strong, it will help to assure her, that she knows and understands that I want what is best for her and that no matter what happens, I will be okay, as long as she is okay, for I do not want her enduring this pain, especially if she is only enduring it, to prevent me from pain, but rather, I want her to be free of this turmoil, therefore if it must be that she goes home, then it must be, and I will be okay with it, as long as she is free and happy, for that is all that matters. Yes, I will be heartbroken to have to say goodbye, but I will get over that heartbreak and I will move on knowing that she is in a better place, enjoying her days free of this awful pain and grief. But for now, we will do what we can, be increasing her seizure medication and we will give it a week to see if it is does indeed change anything, and if it doesn't then we will go from there and let time take it course and wait for the clock to run out, and while doing so, we will cherish what time we do have and enjoy every second we have with her, whether it be awake or asleep, we will enjoy it and make every second count.
As you can imagine, after her appointment, I was completely and totally drained of all emotion, both physically and mentally, therefore I was beyond excited that we had lined up a sitter, so that Joseph and I could go out. Even though we just ran around doing errands, trying to get all the odds and ends done that were needed for Makenna's baptism, I was still beyond excited to just get out of the house and enjoy time away with my handsome husband. After we ran around like chickens with our heads cut off, making sure we had everything in place for the baptism, we made a very unwise decision in deciding to go and see the Hunger Games movie, Catching Fire, at 10:30pm, which left us getting out of the Theatre at 1:15am, which left me up until 5am, because I had a lot of food prep and other things that needed to be done before the baptism. Which left this Momma tired, frazzled, stressed, confused and grumpy, which is not how you want to feel at your child's baptism, but that is what happened, for I made a poor choice and therefore I to deal with the consequences. To be quite frank, I was sad that I was so out of it, because first of all, I do not remember a whole lot from Makenna's special day, because I was so tired and I was worried about what all was going on around me and second, I did not get the pictures I wanted, due to the fact that I was so out of it and forgot to take them! Oh well, such is life and missing a picture or two is not the end of the world.
Thankfully, even though I only had two hours of sleep, Makenna's baptism went without a hitch and turned out just like I had planned, which ended up being quite beautiful. I was so happy it went so well, and I want to say thank to everyone who came and shared in this special moment with Makenna, I know it meant so much to her, to have each of you there for her baptism. The best quote after the baptism, that Makenna said, came after I asked her what her favorite part about being baptized was and she looked at me and said, My favorite was all the money and presents I received! LOL, at least she is honest, but seriously, I really do think that she had a lovely time and that she felt the spirit of the Lord and was truly excited for herself for that fact that she chose to follow in her Savior's example and be baptized. After the baptism, we had a fun filled day of shopping and present opening. Here are some pictures of her day, at least pictures I remembered to take,
This is a picture of Makenna's birthday cake, sorry it would have been a lot prettier if I would have captured it before we had cut into it, but hey, it still shows you what it looked like and it is still super cute, like Makenna!
This is a picture of Makenna, at her baptism, with two of her best friends, Harlee and Jordyn. Which I must say, Harlee, gave Makenna the sweetest note, I will not give all the details of the note, but it was a note, wishing Makenna a happy birthday and in the note, it stated that Makenna is Harlee's absolute best friend and how kind and sweet she thinks Makenna is and how she feels as though Makenna is part of her family. Seriously, it does not get any cuter than that! I pray these girls remain the best of friends for life, for they are the sweetest of girls and they love one another so much! Thank you Schad family for being at Makenna's baptism, it truly meant the world to her, to have you there.
The pictures below are of Makenna, later that evening opening presents,
This is a fashion sketch pad that Makenna can use design her own clothes, etc. She was super excited to get it!
Then she received one of her most favorite things, an American Girl doll and book set, Makenna is in love with anything American Girl right now.
Dad and I caved and got her some hair chalk, for she has been begging and begging for some, since Harlee got some on her birthday!
Here is something else she has been begging for, a Craft loom, so that she can make these rubber band bracelets that are all the rage right now amongst little girls and boys her age.
And no birthday would be complete without a Barbie doll and her favorite movie doll, Mirada! Makenna's favorite movie right now is Brave, therefore she was stoked when she open this gift and found Mirada!
And last but not least, Makenna received her own set of scriptures! No eighth birthday would be complete without a set of scriptures, at least no Mormon, eighth birthday that is!
All in all, her birthday turned out super cute and I am thankful it turned so nice and so that it is over, because now I can stop stressing about that and move on to the next stressful thing on my list! Even though the past few days have been a mess, filled with stress, I know that I am blessed and that I have a great life. I need to remember that it is all about prespective and that as long as I am doing my best and putting forth my best effort, that is all that matters. It truly does not matter how it turns out, as long as you do your best. Now because I feel that the quote below does a great job expressing how I feel, regarding this matter, I am going to share it with all of you, for I feel is fitting for all us Momma's out there to remember what it says, and the quote says,
Though this is hard to keep in mind sometimes, I need to make a conscious effort to remember just how awesome I am and that no matter what, I am doing a great job, for my children know they are loved and I know I am doing the best job I know how. Before I leave I want to thank the ladies who invited me to go out tonight, on a much needed Girls Night. You do not know how much I truly needed the break, so thank you for thinking of me, it was great fun. I also want to say thank you, to all of you, for all your love, support and prayers, I feel all of it and I appreciate all of it, so thank you and I hope and pray that you all have a blessed night. As for me, I better get into bed, for tomorrow, oops I mean today, is going to be a busy day, especially considering it is when we have our second meeting with Makenna's teachers, so a good nights sleep is a must, in order to be at my best. Please pray that I can advocate to the best of my abilities, for sometimes I shut down, and in this circumstance I can not do that, so if you will, please pray for me and send good vibes my way, so that I can do right by my daughter and advocate for what she needs. Again I hope and pray you all have a blessed night and a great day tomorrow. Much love and God bless.
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