Blogging Again! LOL!

Wow! It has been a year and half since I posted on this blog, oops sorry! My life has just gotten away from  me and I didn't take the time to blog, I wish I had, but why live life with regrets, rather I am going to starting anew and hopefully be better about my blogging! I decided to change the blog a little. I set this blog up originally to help me cope, to allow me somewhere I could go to release my feelings/emotions that I face as a mother of a child with special needs. And that was great! It really did help, but I found myself at times not knowing what to write and so I decided that this blog would not only serve that purpose, but it would also highlight all the other events in my life as well, whether it be Payten or someone else in the family, it would just be a place I could go to brag, to share thoughts and concerns, vent emotions, tell a funny story, whatever it was that day or week that I felt like sharing and so here it goes! This might be a long post because I will be playing a little catch up with you all!!!!! Enjoy!

Today,  I was talking with Payten's Occupational Therapist about life and how challenging it is to mother a child such as Payten. It was nice to chat with someone who understood little bit of the emotional roller coaster I face on a daily basis. I shared with her how it is a daily struggle emotion wise being the mother of a chronically sick child who has special needs, because you live day to day not knowing what the next day, hour, or minute will bring. Such as, every time I take Payten to the doctor or she gets admitted to the hospital, I always have that question in the back of my mind, will this be our last time we see this doctor or will I be bringing Payten home from this hospital stay? Is this my last day that I have to spend with my Payten?  And as much as you try to dismiss these thoughts, they remain there. You try so hard not to ponder on them too much, because you don't want that mental break down, but there are always those days that the thoughts become to much to handle or push away and those are the days, you do break down and cry and that is okay, that is good, we as mothers need to do this, it is a healthy thing and once you are finished with you mini-emotional breakdown, you pick up the pieces and move on, grasping to hope. The hope for a better tomorrow, the hope that no matter what happens, I will be strong enough to endure, the hope that God knows and loves me, the hope and faith that there is indeed a life after this and so therefore this life is not the end. There are days that I wake up scared to death, because I had a dream that felt too real about Payten dying and before I get up to check on her, I say a mini-prayer that whatever I find, whatever state Payten is, that I will be okay. It is a heart wrenching emotional roller coaster that I live daily and it truly was great to express to someone who comprehended somewhat of how I feel. Thank you  Miss Terry for being that listening ear today and allowing me to share such a personal part of myself and my life.

Since I blogged last, like I said, Life has been insane! So much has happened. The year 2011, was the year from HELL! Excuse my language, but it was! We did get to spend Christmas as a family in 2010, which was an amazing gift! It was the best Christmas gift I received that year! Then 2011 hit and I literally think the Merrill home entered HELL! Payten went into the hospital right at the beginning of the year, for the same old, same old, respiratory distress issues she always seems to have and no that is not the HELL I am talking about!!!! A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant with my fourth child. Holy Crap! What a whirl wind of emotion that was. I have never cried so hard in my life! I wanted him, but then I didn't want him and I went through guilt for even having that feeling go through me. It was a really hard time in my life, we were preventing from having kids and here I was pregnant! This goes to show that this pregnancy was a big accident, that scared both myself and my husband, because it was still unknown whether Payten's Neurological issues were genetic or not, so we didn't know if this would be something that  future children could suffer from and how on earth would I care for two special needs children, so that is why we were preventing and that is why I was so upset when I found out that the Lord had other plans for me! I have never been more upset and excited all rolled into one! I can honestly say that Emmett Joseph Merrill is one of the greatest blessings I have and I would not ever change that! I will admit, it was scary, I worried the whole nine months, I worried up until he was born and placed in my arms so I could see for sure that he was healthy and strong, which is what happened and how grateful I was for that! Here laid a beautiful healthy baby boy! But oh how scared I was too, for how was I going to handle caring for him and Payten, let alone Zach and Makenna! I had a moment of WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST GET MYSELF INTO!!!!! LOL!

But, that is only a piece of the emotional and physical HELL that I face in 2011! The Last week in January 2011, one of my biggest fears became reality, getting hurt to the point of not being able to care for Payten or my other children, yep that was one of my biggest fears and yes it came to be reality, I broke my right foot. It was horrible. It was on a Wednesday morning, we were running late to get to Payten's Physical Therapy apt. and while I was carrying Payten, she threw herself back to the point of almost falling out of my arms and I stumbled trying to keep her from falling and twisted and broke my foot and when I say broke, I mean broke! I broke both tips off of my lower leg bones and shattered my ankle completely. It was awful. I cringe just thinking about it. Here I was, all alone, no one around to help me or see what happened and here was my baby who just fell out of my arms now rolling down the driveway toward the street and I had no way of getting to her, except army crawling and that is what I did! I army crawled to Payten, picked her up and army crawled back to my car, where I got my cell phone and called a friend to come and help me. After all this was done, the neighbor FINALLY came out and saw me and was able to help. I have never in my life felt more helpless, than I did at that moment. After one week in the hospital and one surgery, I was able to come home and pretty much sit helpless for the next three months. And for those of you who know me, that was pure HELL, I have a hard time not being in control and I have a hard time accepting help and here was a situation where I was not in control and I had to accept all the help I could get because I was helpless and I had a daughter who is 100% care! UGH! What a great and valuable lesson I was taught. It was something that I will never forget and I am grateful to every single person who helped me during my time of need.  It truly was a bitter sweet blessing in my life. After about six months and physical therapy, I was walking pretty well and getting back to my normal routine! Then I had my beautiful baby boy and life got turned upside down all over again, it was hard at first juggling a baby and a three year old with special needs who is full care, just like an infant, but I did it! Oh how proud I am to say I did it and am still doing it and I am happy to say it is getting easier everyday! Shortly after having Emmett I started having gall bladder issues and had to have my gall bladder removed, yes, you heard right, another surgery and that was not the last, a month after gall bladder surgery, I went in and had to have all my hardware that was in my foot and leg removed! It was insane, but I got through it, not without help, but through it just the same! Even though I say 2011 was the year from HELL, it was a good year. It was a year of growth and a year of strength for me and my family. I believe that I learned so much about myself and about others that year and I believe my husband and I became closer and learned what it truly meant to be a team and to work together as one! So even though we walked through HELL, it was a good refiners fire, that I would do all over again! I know that sounds crazy, but I would, I would do it, just to learn the lessons I learned! For they are life lessons that I will use forever and that I will cherish always!

Now that you are sort of caught up on the Crazy life of the Merrill clan, I will move on!!!! Payten is doing pretty well these days, she is progressing in some areas and digressing in others, but that is how it goes. She will take one step forward and two steps back! She is now able to sit on her own, without assistance for about 2 to 2 1/2 mins. That may sound like nothing, but to us that is HUGE! It was something we NEVER imagined we would see and we are seeing it, even if it is for only 2 minutes! She is also working on walking in a gait trainer, she still has yet to walk, but she is doing well, she has taken a few steps here and there, so we just keep putting her in it, in hopes that one day it will click and she will take off walking. Her health is fair. She seems to be doing okay respiratory wise, but Neurological, I am not sure, she is suffering from more seizures and she has been having episodes where she goes yellow, so my worry is that her liver is malfunctioning, but we will do testing to see if that is really the case. She has had some other strange, unexplainable things happen lately that are concerning me, but we will see what the doctors say, as for now, she is good. She is happy and she is loved. What more could she need or want! I am pleased to say that her hospitalizations are becoming fewer in numbers and shorter in length! She loves being a big sister! It is fun to watch her and Emmett play, she is usually not gentle with things, but when it comes to him, she usually is, it is fascinating to watch! Payten's older brother Zachary is her biggest fan, he loves her so much. He cares for her every need! He cheers her on when we are working with her during therapies and there are moments that I believe he has no idea I am watching, where he just sits there and so holds her while either singing or talking with her and he tells her how much he loves her and that he hopes that she gets better. It is one of the sweetest things a mother could ever witness. So that is my first post for 2012, I hope that I can keep up on this blogging thing!, better than I have in the past and I hope you enjoyed reading this post!