We are officially home! Oh how over joyed, yet humbled I am to be able to say this, for I did not believe we would be taking Payten home from this hospitalization, not because I was giving up hope, but rather because of the unknown and the different experiences that I had, which led me to believe that she would be going home to her Father in Heaven. Fortunately we were blessed with more time. I do not understand the why to all of this, or the why to the experiences I had, all I can say is that they happened and I will eventually understand with time the whys to all of this, but for now, I will just enjoy the gift of time the Lord has blessed me with. We were in the hospital for two weeks and during these two weeks I really took time to pondered about life and eternity and God's plan for us. I love a quote my husband came across the other day by Spencer W. Kimball which states, "If we look at mortality as a complete existence, then pain, sorrow, failure and short life could be a calamity. But if we look upon life as an eternal thing stretching far into the pre-earth past and on into the eternal post-death future, then all happenings may be put in proper perspective." I am so grateful for this knowledge, because during these past two weeks, where parts of it were spent watching Payten fight for her life, I was able to find comfort in this knowledge, because I truly believe these things to be true. I believe that this is not the end, but rather just the beginning of a beautiful life and that whether Payten is here with me on earth or in heaven, we are a family, she is my daughter forever and we will be reunited after death and that is what gets me through tough times. That is what gives me hope, for I do not know what I would do without this faith/knowledge.
While in the hospital, I really have come to enjoy being able to visit with the Chaplin's, for they are not there to argue truth or religion, but rather are there to listen, to encourage and to strengthen and it is so nice to just talk with them and share feelings I have and have them share feelings they have. While I was chatting with one the other day, I was reminded of control and how control really is an illusion. Yes, we have agency in this life, where we have control over our choices, but in all reality, our life is in God's hands, it is his will what happens to us, yes we make decisions and choices, but many times, things that we are faced with, are not controllable, they are not repercussions of choices we made. Some of are trials are due to poor choices, etc. but I believe majority of life's trials are ones that we have no control over. And I believe God places them in our path to give each and everyone of us the opportunity to learn and grow. This life is not the reward, but rather it is the test and the sooner we realize this, the better we will be and the more prepared we will be to face these trials that fall in our life's path. We are pieces of coal, going through the fire to later become beautiful diamonds and every diamond needs polishing! That is what this life is all about, the refiners fire. We each will have different challenges/trials we will face, because we are all different and we have different learning styles and we are all at different points of growth in our lives and so that is why no two trials are or will ever be the same. But the outcome is the same if we allow it to be. We are all given the opportunity to learn the things the Lord would have us learn. We are given opportunities to learn about LOVE, COMPASSION, UNDERSTANDING, COURAGE, SELF DISCIPLINE, CHARITY, SERVICE, HUMILITY, etc. but it is up to us whether we learn these things or not, because we can take a trial and we can either be bitter from it or we can become better because of it.
It does not matter what the trial is, it may be death of a loved one, marriage difficulties, divorce, not marrying at all, a child born with a disability, a child with a life long illness or one who is faced with a terminal disease, or no children at all, or miscarriages, or losing a job, or a wayward child/loved one, or ill health, or financial hardships, the list could go on and on, but no matter what, they can all teach the same lessons and end the same way, with growth and development. This is the Lord's way of helping us to be able to receive his image in our countenance. We can become as he is, through these life lessons and we do not need to do it alone, he is there to help us. For he has taught us that if we trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding and in all thy ways acknowledge him, he shall direct thy path. He will help us! I am not saying that we will not struggle or feel anger or worry about the trials of life, because we will, for we are only human and these are human emotions and reactions. I am just saying that if we learn that we can not control everything that happens to us in life or change some of the things we face and we turn to our Lord for help, we will be able to endure them much more easily and we will most likely learn the lesson he has prepared for us to learn. In no way am I perfect at this, rather I have had three years full of trial, after trial and with each one I seem to be getting better and better at finding the good in them, rather than focusing on the bad. But that does not mean that they are not still difficult, because they are. Nor does this mean I no longer struggle with them for I still do and I still struggle with fully being able to put all my trust in God, because that is a hard thing to do, it is an easy thing to say, to trust in the Lord with all thine heart, but to truly do it ,is hard, but I can honestly tell you, that when I have done this, the result has been amazing.
My life has been really hard (for me!) especially these past three and a half years and there have been times where I wished I was someone else, but in all reality I love my life for I have learned so much about myself and about others. I have learned that we can not judge anyone for we do not know what they have faced, are facing, or will face. There have been many a times where I have thought, oh, how could they possibly understand what I am going through, they have it so easy, they don't know what it is like to face hardship, then I find out, they have lost a child, or they were homeless for a time being, or their spouse died, or they are a single parent raising children and have no idea how they are going to support them, or their loved one is dying of cancer, etc. Again the list could go on and on and I realize everyone is facing something, yes, mine is very difficult, for mine is a child who is disabled and suffering from a progressive brain disease and it is something that is relentless, tiresome, emotionally draining, physically demanding, never ending, yet, it could be worse and I am no better or worse off than another, just different. I have learned to have compassion for others and have understanding, because I am not in their shoes and I do not fully understand their circumstance and I am not their judge, nor do I want to be! And I will tell you, this is so hard, because again, we are human and we judge each other, but I can tell you that through these trials I have faced, I have become better at practicing this. I have been humbled in so many ways, we lost our home and I was humiliated because of it and I worried what others thought, but I had to learn not to care, for it was not something we could control, our circumstances were far beyond anything anyone could handle and I had to swallow my pride and I had to learn not care what others thought of me, for they did not know the reason behind it. There have been times where my water has been shut off, or my electricity was turned off and no it was not because of financial problems, rather it was because I forgot, for my life gets so busy, I forget to pay my bills at times and I am being serious!, but I bet when you first read that, you thought really you didn't have money to pay your bills, again don't judge, for we do not know the reasoning behind the why.
Being the mother of a special needs child is hard, you get stares, you get unfair judgements, comments, questions, etc. And People ask me how I can be so patient with others regarding this matter and I think, I use to be that person, all it is, is ignorance. I use to be that person that thought, geese can't you control your child?! Or what is wrong with them? Was it something you did or was it just by accident? And I have had those questions of misunderstanding. I have been ignorant and so I can not be upset with anyone for not knowing or understanding, because you will never fully understand it, until you live it and so all I can do, is be kind, be loving, be patient, be understanding and try to teach them about it. It is hard and there are days that I want to scream at people for their uncaring, mean comments and judgements, but it does not do any good, I just end up feeling bad and so I am better off trying to show them love and compassion, rather than anger and upset. Instead of getting upset because someone sat there and watched me struggle with opening a door or struggled caring the heavy load that I have to carry when I take Payten out or people who sit and stare at me and Payten, I choose to be better, I choose to try to be aware of my surroundings and help where I can and not stare when it is so hard not to. I just try to be better not bitter!
Because of Payten I have learned what unconditional love is and what compassion truly means. I have learned what service is! Not just what giving service means, but what receiving it means as well. I love serving others, I have always found joy in the service of others, but I use to have a hard time accepting service from others, until Payten, then I was faced at times with no other choice than to accept it and I that helped me to realize what service truly meant and how great it is to serve others as well as allowing others to serve you. I am truly grateful for the lessons I learned from these past few weeks, for I learned of love and faith and trusting in God's plan and will! I gained a greater understanding of our Savior Jesus Christ's love for us and for his atonement and what it truly means. I realized the love that our Father in Heaven must have for us as well, for he gave us his only begotten Son, that he could die for us and suffer for all our sins, so that we could conquer death and through and by his Grace return to live with him again. I came to the realization that no matter what happens, it will be okay, the Lord will help us through it, he knows each of us personally, and he loves us and he understands us. This experience has given me strength. This life is indeed very hard and we will be faced with many things, but as long as we realize most of them are not because of our choices or wrong doing, and not because the Lord hates us, but rather because he loves us and wants us to learn and grow and become like he is. And as long as we choose to become better and not bitter, and we choose to start seeing the good in life, rather than all the bad, we will indeed become that beautiful polished diamond the Lord wants us to be! We will indeed return to him with honor and we will have his imaged in our countenance!
I have grown to know these things to be true and I hope that you will too and that we can help each other to become better and not bitter! May God bless us all! For we have many blessings, one of mine being that I was able to bring my daughter Payten home from the hospital again, to be with our family a little longer, so that we can learn and grow from her. It will not be an easy road and we are going to have allot more things added to our list of to do's for her, but I can tell you, it will all be worth it, for the reward is to come! And because I have been given the gift of more time, I am going to use it! I will not waste it, but rather treasure it and make the best of it. I will make memories of the time I have, that I will have to hold on to for the rest of my life, for there will come the day that Payten will not come home and those memories will be the only thing I will have! May we all find the joy in life and learn from the lessons life has to offer us! For we are all diamonds in the making!
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