I have been on one Hell of a roller coaster ride and am still on it screaming for the conductor to stop and let me off! I seriously am on edge with everyone and everything. Typically when Payten goes to the hospital I am so immuned to it, that I really don't react, it is just a way of life and I say oh well she is here and in a few days she will get to come home and we will go back to a merry little life. But this hospitalization has thrown me for a loop. I don't recall being on such an emotional roller coaster in my life, expect for at the beginning when all of this begun. I am a literal wreck. The only thing that seems to help me is blogging. That is why I have been doing it so much lately. For it allows me a little release from my emotions. For it seems that no matter how loud I scream at the conductor to stop the ride, it just keeps on going, round and round! So when I am on here, I feel free to say and write and do anything I please and that seems to be the best medicine for me right now in my life.
Right now, I feel and I am either crying or wanting to to pull my hair out in frustration. I just want to do nothing! I don't want to deal with anything or anyone. I just want a vacation from life and from reality. I have never had a hard time staying at the hospital with Payten and dealing with all the strife that comes with mothering her, but honestly this time around, I am truly having the hardest time being at the hospital and I have been on edge with everyone around me and that is not me. Maybe I have remained too strong for so long that I am snapping into pieces! And I hope and pray that one day I will be able to collect those pieces up and put myself back together so I can become that strong momma again!
Like I said before, I had the feelings that I was going to lose her, but that I would probably eat my words tomorrow! Well here I am eating my words!(for now at least!) And that is okay, I am so over joyed to be able to say that Payten is doing better and will soon come home, but I am also frustrated, for I wish it were more simple, I wish that Payten's life was more black and white. I wish it was not so unknowing, but rather and open book that told the future, but alas no life is ever like that! I know that even though she is getting better, this is not going to be an easy road, for Payten is not coming home fully well. She is adding to her list of problems and that is the toughest part for me to swallow, because I want her list of problems shrinking not lengthening! Today, I talked with the Head Hospitalist, I told him that I felt like we have been getting the run around this visit. I told him that I felt like every doctor was telling us something different regarding Payten and her care and he apologized to me. He said that it was as hard a situation for them as it was for us, because normally Payten comes in for the same old thing and they know exactly how to treat her, but this time was different, Payten through them for a loop, for it was something totally different, that they had no I idea on how to help Payten exactly, so they had to go through trial and error to figure out the best way to help her and they still are searching for answers, that will hopefully come tomorrow morning after her procedure.
I guess I am just frustrated with my Lord right now. No I am not angry with him, rather just frustrated, for I do not need feelings and impressions and experiences happen in my life, such as the ones that occurred the past few days, that lead me to believe she is going to be going back home to him, if that is indeed not going to happen. Because, I have been so sick with grief, that I have lost precious time with my daughter and so we had a long talk last night, LOL! And I told him, as much as I want to not be blind sided by Paytens death, I also don't want to experience these emotional roller coaster's, because I am one that believes in listening to all feelings and experiences and therefore it is not fair to me or my family! But at this moment I am glad that I will have more time with my Payten, but I am sad that there will be added struggles to her already hard life. We saw many doctors today and they went over what the plan was for her. They said that due to the severity of her infection, they do not believe it is coincidental, but rather that there is something anatomically incorrect causing the infections and so therefore it was necessary to perform the VCUG to see what that abnormality could be. They went onto say that if they find nothing to be wrong, then we will need to put Payten on a continuous antibiotic to control the infections and keep them from happening. We asked how that would work, for she seems to already be so resistant to so many antibiotics and they said that was a really good question, that they would have to do tons of research and find antibiotics that she has never taken before and use those, but again my worry is that eventually those will lose their effect and what do we do then? The other possibility is surgery to fix the problem, I don't know what type of surgery it would be, meaning what they would exactly do, all I know is that there are several different things that could be wrong, that different surgeries would fix, but each surgery is different, so we again we will need to wait until it is done to know exactly what we are being faced with.
To me, the hardest thing to deal with is the fact that it seems like Payten is doing so well in so many different ways from a therapy standpoint and yet doing so horribly from a health standpoint. It breaks my heart that she has to have something new going on that will require treatments and follow ups. But the doctor said that if we do not do something we are headed toward Kidney failure, and so this is their way of trying to nip it in the butt before that happens, because heaven knows we do not need Payten going into Kidney Failure for it will not be good. So again, even though Payten is doing so much better, she is still not better, for she has some serious complications that have to be addressed. I guess my feelings were right in a way, we are heading down a slippery slop that might not end well. I just wish I knew exactly when that would be and what to expect.
So my prayer for all of you tonight, is that you realize this day, that life is an hour glass made of memories from the past, so don't waste it on the little things. Don't use your days to worry about the not so important things of life, such as a perfectly decorated home, dishes in the sink, kids behaving perfectly or always looking their best, or your to do lists, perfect grades in school etc. Rather hold your children tight, snuggle with your spouse, call all your loved ones just to talk and say hi and reach for the stars! Please hug and kiss every single on of them as much as you can, tell them you love them often. Don't get upset at your children over the little things, rather allow them to be who they are and let them be little! Don't have them grow up to fast. For we do not know the size of their hour glass, all we know is that once the sand runs out, it is over and all we will have our the memories of the past that we made with the. For it will not be the to do lists, the perfect homes, the compliments of good behavior, their grades, rather it will be the memories. That is why I want so badly to take Payten when she is a little stronger on vacation, if I could I would travel the world with her until that small hour glass of hers was empty, but I can't, for I do have life that I have to attend to and other children to care for, so I will have to settle for Disneyland instead.
If time, health and funds allow it, I will take her to Disneyland and I will take her on every single ride she can go on and I will take her to the beach and dance with her in the sand, and let the water caress her feet, for I will not waste my precious time with her, for I am preparing myself because it will soon be at hand the time when heave calls her home and do not want to regret not making memories that I will be able to hold on to, til we meet again. For now though the Lord has given me the miracle of more time, no matter how sad it makes my heart that Payten has to suffer more trials, it is still a miracle all the same, that I will not take for granted. Again, Kiss your children goodnight, read them that bed time story, sing them that special song for tomorrow it may end. I love you all and appreciate all your love and support and you have shown unto me and my family these past few days and years. May God bless you all.
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