May God's Will be done.

It has officially been a week since Payten was admitted to the ICU at Cardon's Children's Medical Center and I am sad to say that she is still really sick. On Tuesday evening, I left the hospital with frustration in my heart because the original admission for her was high fever of 105.6 and increased secretions. Which later through a urine sample and blood cultures etc. we found it was because of a severe kidney infection/UTI. They did an ultra sound and found a little damage on the kidneys and found that the left kidney was larger than the right, so they were worried that her Kidney's were refluxing or that the was something anatomically incorrect with either her kidney's or bladder, so on Tuesday we took Payten down to Radiology for a procedure called a VCUG, which is a procedure where they place a catheter in her and then they fill her bladder and put dye through it and take pictures following the dye. We were hopeful that it would show something, not because we wanted another thing added to Payten's list of medical issues, but rather because we wanted answers as to why she keeps getting these kidney/UTI infections. This was Payten's third major infection and we knew that if we kept having infections there, she would eventually go into kidney failure, so we just wanted answers as to why they might be happening, but we got nothing. The test showed little reflux and no abnormalities and so therefore they kind of placed blame on us as parents saying that hygiene can play a role in these infections as well. That really hurt me, because I take great care of my daughter we bathe her regularly and she is not in diapers for long periods of time, she does not spend a long time in the bath, first of all because she can't and second of all because we know that it is not good to do so.

So as I said I left with a very heavy and frustrated heart on Tuesday night, feeling like I was the worst mother in the world. I was so worried they were going to send her home and we would have no answers as to why and be right back in there with more infections, because in my heart I knew something was wrong and is still wrong. Wednesday morning came and I was not worried really about Payten's health, because she was doing better, they had cleared the infection and they were planning on sending her home and I had finally come to grips with that. I thought maybe that is what Payten needed, to come home and be with her family and if she got another infection then we would deal with it then. But when I got to the hospital my world was turned upside down. I walked into her room thinking nothing at all and then I saw my daughter, she was a pale grayish color, hooked up to her ventilator while awake, crying out in pain (some sound was coming out because she was on the vent), eyes sunken in, and fever of 104. I just broke down sobbing. What was wrong with my little girl, no one could tell me. All they could say was that she was in critical condition at that moment and they were taking special care of her and watching her extra closely. That did not bring me much comfort, all I could think was, is this the end? Were all the feelings I have been having actually happening at this moment? I was scared to death, I called Joseph, my mom and had them come down, then we called Joseph's mom a little later and had her come down. We were saying our goodbyes because looking at her, you thought she was going to die, she looked horrible. I even went as far as having my dad pick my other kids at school and bringing them in to see her and say their goodbye. We prayed together as a family and we told Payten that she could go with God and live if that is what she needed to do, we asked the Lord to help Payten not be in so much pain and we told him that if it was his will, we wanted to release Payten's soul to him so that she would not suffer any longer.

We held her and tried to comfort her, but comfort would not come, until they finally sedated her. Then she calmed and Joseph and I took turns holding her while she was in bed and talking to her and singing to her. I told Payten how much I loved her, I told her that she was my angel and that I was so pleased to be her mommy. I told her how grateful I was for the things she taught me about unconditional love, compassion, true happiness, joy, etc. I let her know everything I loved about her, her smile, her big eyes, her curly hair, her laugh, her perfect hands and feet, her personality, etc. And I told her I would miss all of those things. I told her that she did not need to stay here for me anymore, that I was strong enough now to say goodbye. I told her I did not want this for her, that I wanted her pain to go away. I told her that if she saw her Grandpa Merrill or any other family members that had already passed on, that she needed to go with them, that she need not be scared, because they would take good care of her, they loved her as much as her mommy and daddy did and that they would keep her safe until we were reunited again. I told her that once she allowed God's will to be done, that she would be happier, she would be able to run free and skip and jump and laugh. I told her that she would be able to spread her beautiful butterfly wings and fly. I asked her for one favor, I asked her to visit us often in our hearts and to watch over her little brother Emmett for he would need her. Then I kissed her cheek and told her to go with God and live.

Now, I do not know what is going to happen, I do not know if she is going to come home with me, but I do know that I have let her know everything I would want her to know, just in case she does go back to live with her Father in heaven. As of right now, they are still sedating her and giving pain medications, we are going to try to ween the sedative to see how she does and stay on top of the pain  with medication. Her diarrhea is better, she only had one bout this morning, so we are going to try to start some pedialyte and see how she does with that. Still no answers as to why or what the infection is exactly, all we know is her little body is fighting something and we are waiting to see which is stronger, Payten or the infection. We are waiting to see what Heavenly Father has in store for us, whether his will be to allow us to have her longer or if his will is to bring her home to heaven.
Her fevers are still high, even though they have been giving her Tylenol and ibuprofen whenever they can. Her white blood cell count is pretty low, so they are going to keep an eye on that, her lactate is high and they said last night she was is acidosis. But today the acidosis looks a little better, but the lactate is still high. I just wish I knew what the Lord wanted to for her, so I could come to peace with whatever that was/is. I know our family is being lifted through prayer, by some many people who love her, but my sincerest request is that you do not prayer for miracles, I am not saying I do not want a miracle to happen if it is meant to happen, what I would rather you ask in your prayer for Payten is that the Will of God be done, whatever that maybe. Pray for the suffering to end and for Payten to be happy again whether that be here on earth or in heaven, I just want it to be what God wants, not what we as human beings want. Thank you all so much for your love and support, we truly appreciate you all.