Get your box of tissues, you may need them!

Today has been a whirl wind of emotions. It has been one of those times I was describing in a few posts back about not knowing what to expect for Payten and the worry that goes with it. This morning at 2:45 I awoke to Payten's vent going off, which is not unusal in our house, but when I went over to check on her, to either hook the vent back up or turn it off, I notice that Payten was crying, which is not usual for her and it was not a normal cry either, it was a cry of sorrow and pain. So I stood there for a bit and rubbed her hair and told her everything was okay, that mommy was there and that I loved her, then I gave her a toy and went back to bed, not really thinking much of it, just sad that she was sad. Anyways, as I laid there in bed trying to go back to sleep, I had the most over whelming feeling of warmth, yet cool, calm, and peaceful come over me, a feeling I have never experienced before regarding Payten and then a voice or thought came to me that said, Prepare yourself, for it is time. At first I thought that's weird? What is time? And I kind of dismissed it. But then about an hour later, I awoke to Payten's machines going off again, this time it was her oxygen level and her heart rate. When I got over to check on her, she was crying even harder, but this time she was burning up and the feeling came again, still peaceful, but with a little more urgency than before, basically saying don't ignore me, prepare yourself, for it is time. That is when I truly became concerned and ran and got the thermometer and found that Payten's fever was 105.6.

I was beside myself, I did not know what to think, I tried calling my husband, but there was no answer, I tried calling others and phones were off, I finally reached a dear friend who said we could bring the other kids over to them. So I quickly got ready and while getting ready I was able to reach Joseph and clue him in on what was happening. Once we got to the hospital, she looked even worse, her color was a pale/grey at times and then others bright red and she looked to be having trouble breathing, her temperature was still super high 104.8 and she just cried. I was in shock, I didn't know what to think. Here I was having this feeling deep down in my soul, that was peaceful, but worry some, that my daughter was dying and I wasn't emotional. I was calm and collected, I was in denial. It was not until we got up to the ICU that it sort of hit, because it still has not fully hit, and she was lying there in the hospital bed lifeless, frail, crying in her sleep, so pale she blended with the pillow case, unresponsive to anyone and anything, that I knew this might be it. This might be the last visit to the hospital. Payten may never see home again. But I still kept thinking to myself, no, I have had these feelings before, yet they were different, they were more of panic attacks, that she would not make it and she did, so therefore it is all in my head, Payten is going to pull through, but deep down I knew that I was lying to myself for I truly did not believe this. (I still could eat these words, Payten might pull through and be fine and how happy I will be if she does, I am just expressing to you the actual feelings I was having today. So don't think I have thrown in the towel and given up, because I haven't! It is not over, til it's over.) Rather I knew she was truly suffering, suffering I believe she has not faced before. For everytime Payten would awake, she was not my happy Payten, rather she was this frail little girl, who would look at me with eyes of sorrow and pain, pleading to me, to come and help her, to come and take this pain from her and I couldn't. All I could do is stand there helpless, yearning for the strength to get through this.

As this went on, I thought of this time of year, Easter and I thought of Our Savior Jesus Christ and of his Attonement and how much he suffered while attoning for our sins and I thought about his pleads to his father to take this bitter cup from him and I truly understood how God the Father must of felt right at that moment. Here was his Son, who he loved dearly suffering beyond belief and pleading for it to end and all The Father could do is stand by helpless, watching and waiting for it to end. That is me right now, I am standing helpless, watching and waiting for the suffering to end. I don't want this for my daughter, I don't want her to be in pain, but I don't have control over it, it is out of my hands. All I can do is stand by and hold her and rock her and love her and pray that the pain subsides and whatever the Father's will be, that it be done. For I do not know how much longer I can face the agony in Paytens eyes, the tears that roll down her cheeks while she is sleeping. I just want my happy Payten back! I want her to get better, but she will NEVER get better fully, she will always be sick, maybe not hospital sick, but still sick and I think is it worth it? Is my selfish desire to not let go, worth it? Can I not just wait to see her again? Can I not just let go and let her return home to her Father in Heaven where she will be happy and where one day I will be reunited with her? Why is it so hard? Why do I feel so bad and guilty for thinking any of this, I don't fully understand and I never will. All I know is I want what is best for Payten. Right now I don't know what that is. Right now I don't know if she will be coming home with me and that scares me. It is so hard to know how to feel because it is the unknown.

I left the hospital with a heavy heart. It was hard to leave her, for I was worried with the question running through my head, what if something happens to her and I am not there? That is my biggest fear, I don't think I could live with myself if that ever happened or forgive myself for that matter. But something happened when I got home that I want to share, I was talking with a friend and she mentioned to me that while talking to Zachary and her son's teacher, the teacher mentioned that Zachary for the past week or so has been having a hard time at school. She went on to say that he seemed to be sad and anxious having a hard time concentrating, so when I got off the phone, I called Zach in to talk with him about it. I asked him how he had been feeling about Payten. This is what he said, Mom, I have been really worried about her, something is just not right. It started last week. I have just had a bad feeling, that is why I have been trying to spend so much time with her and that is why whenever I get a chance I tell her I love her. Mom, on Monday, I had a feeling that she was going to be going to the hospital and that while in the hospital something bad was going to happen. I asked what he meant by bad? And he said with tears streaming down his face, I don't know, just something bad. Then I told him to come here and we hugged for a minute while I whispered in his ear that it was okay to be sad. I told him that I was sad too, then I had the impression to express to him how I was feeling, a talk no mother of a nine year old wants to have to give. I told him that Payten was very sick and that she probably would not be coming home. He started to cry even harder and I looked him in the eyes and said, Zachary do you know this is not the end? Do you believe that Payten will live again? Do you believe that she will go to live with her Father in Heaven and when it is time you will see her again? He said, Yes, Mom I do. I said, that good, because it is true. Then I asked him to pray for Payten, which he said he would and I told Zachary not to say the normal get well prayer, but rather, I needed him to pray that Payten's pain would subside and that if it is her time to go to Heavenly Father that she would go and with tears in his eyes he said, That will be hard, but I will do it because I love her! What a bitter sweet moment that was. A tender mercy in my life that I will never forget, for my nine year old son was stronger than me right at that moment!

So when you ask me if I am okay or how I am feeling and I say, IDK, or Okay, it is because I don't know what to say. I don't know how to feel, because I could walk into that hospital room and find Payten happy and healthy tomorrow. That is what I mean when I say Payten's life is an emotional roller coaster, because one minute she can be on her death bed and the next she is fine. So understand, I am not trying to cover up my emotions, I am not trying to put up a strong front, I am just being honest. I do not know what the future holds for my sweet Payten. All I know is that she is not well right now, she is fighting for her life, she is suffering from pain and I just want it to be over for her. I thank every person who has prayed for Payten, myself and my family, you will not believe the help it is to us, the strength it gives us, so when you think how can I help? Just get on your knees and pray, pray that the will of God be done and that Payten is happy again. I love you all and I hope this gives you a little better insight to what I am going through/feeling. Sometimes it is hard for me to talk, but I can express my feelings through words, that is why I am grateful for this blog. God bless each of you this day. Much Love, KIM MERRILL