Keeping it real

I am going to be real for a moment on here again, like I shared in a previous post, I suffer from depression. Today was one of those dreadful, yet, uncontrollable days. I woke up feeling all sorts of emotions other than happy ones. As much as I know I am blessed and have a beautiful life, days like these hold those truths hostage inside me and release a rampage of negative thoughts/feelings on my soul. Feelings of self doubt, inadequacy, sadness, etc. and as much as I try to regain control and overcome these moments of despair and grief, I seem to fall short. It is a battle that on days like these you feel there is no way of winning. But even with the hopeless feeling of fighting a losing battle, I never give up! I keep trying to remember the good that is within me and I try to lose myself in the service of others, and point out every good quality I possess, etc. and as long as I strive to keep seeing the good that I have within, I find my way through these dreaded barriers that my mind has set in front of me and I am able to break through them. I still feel weak and tired afterwards, for it is a hard battle to fight and break through, but I feel so much better, happier and stronger, because I buried the depression that tired to over power me and instead, unleashed the good/positive thoughts within me.

It took me all day to get through the despair to this triumphant spot/place I am now in and now that I am finally here, I am feeling a lot better. I truly hate days like these, where nothing triggers the despair/depression, rather I just happen wake up in the dreadful funk. It truly is one of the worst feelings a person can experience. But I am so grateful to know who I am, what my purpose is and where I am going, because this is the knowledge that helps me to not give into to these terrible days of sadness, but rather fight my way through them, to the light that brings the positive energy back. I am truly grateful I was able to break through these barriers of HELL today, so that tomorrow will be better/brighter day. Unfortunately sometimes I am not so lucky, some bouts of depression take days and weeks to break through the dreadful walls that it puts forth. Those are the times I don't know how I make it out or through, for those are the darkest and hardest of times in my life, fighting the battle of depression. If you are like me and you have days such as these, please know you are not alone. You are not the only one who battles these demons. Know that you are of greater worth than you realize and that you are love beyond comprehension and that there is always a way out, just keep fighting to find the good again, because there is always good to be found, never forget that. Always remember you are of great worth.

The update I have on Payten is not the best, she had a few seizures today, so that did not help with my negative emotions that I happened to be faced with today. She struggled greatly with recovering from the seizures today, which left me feeling confused and a little lost. I do not know what to think anymore. One day she is fine and the next day she is struggling again and I don't know what to think or do for her. I will be calling the doctor tomorrow  morning to see what he suggest we do for her. I truly believe in my heart that this medication is the answer, but I am not sure the dose is right for her yet. I hope and pray that the doctor has an answer as to what will best help our sweet Payter Tater, for I do not know how much longer she can handle these seizures on her little body, nor how much longer Joseph and I can emotionally handle it.

I also pray that days like today, for me, are far and few in between. I have not had one of these types of days for a little while now and I believe that stress and worry play a huge role in these types of days rearing their ugly heads and therefore it was bound to happen at some point, today just happened to be the lucky day for me. Life is a difficult journey that we all face and struggle with, yet it is such a beautiful journey worth living. If we only could understand one another's burdens, heartaches, struggles, etc., we would all be more understanding of each other, as well as a little kinder and loving towards one another. No one has a prefect, happy life, we all have struggles and heartaches, so instead of envying what we don't have and what we believe everyone else has and stop trying to tear each other down in order to make ourselves feel better, let's rather try an uplift, strengthen and encourage one another, for we all are on the same team, fighting similar battles, striving for the same goal/outcome which is happiness in this life, so why not work together, rather than against each other. I love you all, this is my inspirational thought for the night, God bless and Good night to all of you.