Saying goodbye is hard!

Thank goodness it's Friday! Can I get an AMEN?! Seriously, this week has been one of those weeks. You know those weeks where you feel like you're barely keeping your head above water? Well, that is exactly the week I have had. Don't get me wrong, I have had a few good days, but the stressful, tedious, barely keeping my head above water days, has out weighed those good days. I really think it must be something in the air, because just from talking with friends and family and reading posts on Facebook, it seems like I am not the only one in this predicament, which is kind of nice, because misery loves company, hahaha! Totally kidding, kind of. (wink! wink!)

Anyways, I have been extremely impatient with everyone and everything this week, which does not mix well when you are a mother of 4 kids. I have had more tears in the morning before school, than Cookie Monster has cookies. It makes me really sad to think about and really I have no explanation as to why I have been impatient, it's just the way it's been around here lately. Which does not help the fact that my normal, everyday life is crazy busy and crazy busy + impatient = total mess/failure. I have come to notice that when I am impatient and grumpy, my day goes horrible, but if I remain calm and happy my day goes great. Why?! I don't know, I really think the reason might be, that when you are impatient and grumpy, you notice every little thing, good or bad. But when you are calm and happy, you let things go and don't notice everything as much. Does that make sense? Well it makes sense in my head and I guess that's all that matters, right?! You would think by knowing this, I would be more prone to staying calm and happy, but sometimes that just does not happen and I feel really bad for my family during weeks such as this.

You may be asking yourself, well, why were you so frustrated this week? Honestly, I know it was more that just this, but my house has particularly been driving me insane. Which should not be a SHOCKER to anyone who knows me, for my house is my Achilles heel. Anyone who knows me, knows I love a clean house, to the point of driving myself and family mad at times. Now, I am going to let you in on a little secret of mine,  I idolize the character, Monica, from friends! Sad, but true! I dream of having ribbon drawers of organization and a perfectly folded linens, etc. but let's get real, I have children and children are designed to make messes and destroy things. So I guess I am fighting a losing battle, but a battle I will keep on trying to conquer, for my OCD will not let this go.

For the most part, I believe I do really well at not over stressing about my house. Lately, I have really been trying hard not let my OCD side control me, but for whatever reason this week has driven me mad when it comes to my house!  I feel like my house is Monica's ( referring to character from friends) messy closet. You know the episode where Chandler breaks into the hall closet that is locked and reveals a HUGE hoarders nest. Yep!, That is what I feel my house is like. Clean to the naked eye, but a real pig sty if you stop and take good look around! I feel like I am constantly shoving things in corners etc. so my house can appear to be clean and I hate that! I feel very shallow when I do this, but I can't help it. (Please tell me I am not the only person who does this, or feels like this?)

So this week has really bothered me, because I don't want my house to just appear to be clean, but I ultimately want it to really be deep down clean. But like I said with my crazy busy life it's just not practical. With everything from getting the kids off to school, to Payten's morning routine of medications, breathing and CPT treatments, bath and feedings, plus trying to potty train and chase a two year old, all while different people are coming and going from my house for therapies, to having to go pick up the kids from school, then help with homework and cook dinner, seriously, where is there time to really clean?! I feel like all I have time for is quick shoving things wherever I can find room clean!

But alas! Today was different! I was able to do more than just surface clean and boy did it feel good. How you ask with my life?! Well, since Payten has been on an increased dosage of Keppra (seizure medication), she has been sleeping a whole lot more. Which is good and bad. The good part is, she has not had seizures since Sunday, the bad part is she sleeps for most of the day, but I guess we take what we can get, right? So with her sleeping and no therapies or meetings today, I decided I would start my mission to de-clutter/deep clean my house! So after I got the older kiddos off to school and  did all Payten's morning rituals and turned on Jake and the Neverland Pirates for Emmett, I set sail on my mission, operation clean up!

And let me tell you it was a success. I reorganized my pantry, threw all the unnecessary things out and then I went through all of Payten's medical supplies. Since Payten was cleared by her Doctor last week, regarding the trach and ventilator, due to her passing her sleep study last month, it has been weighing on my mind a lot lately that I need to go through all of Payten's old unnecessary medical equipment and supplies and donate them or get rid of them, whichever applies.

As excited as I was to do this, when I started, a wave of mixed emotions went through me and I started having different flash backs to when these different supplies had been used. To be quite honest, I started crying, for I didn't want to say good bye. How crazy is that?! This is a part of her life that was viewed as horrible and devastating, full of headache and sorrow. But for me it was beautiful and chalked full of memories that I will cherish forever, for these things that are viewed so negatively amongst the world, are precious to me, for they gave my daughter life and made it possible for her to live, therefore it was a bitter sweet moment going through all the supplies thinking about all the ups and downs we faced through the four years she used them. It also made me think of how it will feel when she's gone and I have to go through her things, but I quickly dismissed those thoughts.

Some of the supplies that brought back the most nostalgia for me were,

This stethoscope. Look how tiny it is! This was the stethoscope I was given by the Doctors in the NICU and this was the stethoscope I first used to learn how to listen to Payten's lungs and breathing, how check placement after placing her NG feeding tube, and listening to her heart. This was the item that made me cry the most for it just reminded me of where it all began and how far we have come. Oh! Goodbye little stethoscope, I am going to miss you!

The next thing few things were,

the trach's and suction catheters. When I saw the trach, it brought back that first time when I saw Payten after her tracheostomy surgery and she looked up at me with those big beautiful brown eyes of hers and smiled the biggest smile I have ever seen, all because she could finally breathe. I knew at that moment I had done the right thing for my child. And then the suction catheter, I much as I detested this item at times, it reminded me of the same day as the trach surgery, just an hour or so post op, when I grabbed the catheter kit, opened it up and said, Okay let's do this! I want to go home! Teach me what I need to know. It made me realize what an advocate I have been for my daughter.  Even though saying goodbye to these things is really good, it still is extremely hard for these two items played a significant part in my daughters life and that makes it hard to let go and say goodbye.

The last item was

The ventilator! Oh the ventilator! This machine and I had a love hate relationship and though this machine brought me many sleepless nights and headaches, it still triggered a special place in my heart, for it brought back the knowledge of what it provided Payten, which was quality of life and sustainability and because of that I will be forever thankful for this piece of equipment.

Now all I am left with, are these bags,

Filled with medical supplies and memories. Even though it makes my heart happy, because my house has a little more room and the fact that it symbolizes a stronger Payten, it also makes my heart sad and a little empty, for these supplies were very special to our family. As hard as it was to close this chapter in my daughter's life, it gave me a sense of peace and hope, for now I feel anything is possible and the next step is saying goodbye to Payten's G-tube, which won't be for awhile because she still eats nothing by mouth and they say, for as long as you have had the G-tube, it will take that long to get them to eat real food. So this hope won't be for at least another five years, but still by saying goodbye to all these other supplies, I am hopeful that maybe, just maybe we will be able to say goodbye to the G-tube and other problems Payten still faces today. One step at a time, right?! One step at a time!  Life is good People!

As for my house, tomorrow I will be doing more de-cluttering! I am almost finished with my kitchen, after that I will move on to the bathroom! I will become the best Monica aka Queen of Clean, I can be, just you wait and see! Good night friends! Much love to you all.