Today was hard, but I got through it.

These are old pictures, actually they are Easter Sunday pictures, but they are what I had to show all of you, what Sundays are all about in our family. Sunday is our families day of Worship. It is the day that we go to Church, it is a day of rest and solace for us. Sunday is our time to renew/rejuvenate our souls. As we worship we are able to reflect upon the week past and review what we did that was good that week and what we did that was not so good and we are able to try and decide how we can change or improve upon those things, in order to become/do better the following week. I love Sundays and everything it represents to me. But this particular Sunday was hard and honestly, it was not just one thing that made it hard, it was a bunch of little things all rolled into one that really made this particular Sunday hard for me.

However, there is one thing that I want to focus on and that is Payten. We have had our ups and downs in regards to Payten and church. We have had our long stretches where we were unable to attend church as a family, due to health complications, etc. Therefore Joseph and I would take turns attending church with the other kids every other week. Then we reached a long stretch where Payten was doing really well and we were able to all go and enjoy church together as a family and I loved it. That has been my favorite part about worship, being able to be together as a family and spiritually learn and grow together as one.

Lately however, it has not been so great for Payten. Church seems to trigger something in her, something that sends her into a emotional outburst of anger and sorrow. The past few months have been terrible with her and church. Each week she seems to have a melt down, followed by seizures and each week it seems to be getting worse and it is hard, so very hard to watch and see my daughter go through this. It is an extremely frustrating thing.  I feel we were spoiled for so long with being able to attend church as a family, that now I feel as though we are taking steps backwards and that truly upsets me. No parent wants to take steps backwards with their child, rather they want to move forward, but with Payten, it is a vicious cycle of one step forward, two steps back and it will continue to be a vicious cycle until she retires home to heaven.

As much as this kills me to watch and to see and as much as I want to ignore it and say, No we are going to church as a family, I can't do that. As spoiled as I have been, I have to set my own pride/feelings aside and take a step back and really evaluate the situation and truly decide what is best for my daughter, Payten and I did that today. Shortly after Joseph left to take Payten home, due to her having another melt down, followed with a seizure, I sat in the Foyer of our church building and tried to reflect and ponder upon the situation at hand, for I was utterly confused as to why she can do so well during the week, have no seizures, but then when Sunday comes around, she has two or three back to back. The only thing I could determine was that it has to be over stimulating her, church is too much on her system and that over stimulation is sending her into multiple seizure episodes. Now as that impression came upon my mind, I had an even greater impression that I needed to let go of my selfish desire of having my whole family at church and allow Payten peace and quiet, solitude and rest at home.

As hard as the decision is, Joseph and I will be returning the our every other week schedule in order to keep Payten home from church to prevent these seizures from happening. As good as church is, nothing is good if it causes a seizure. It makes my heart sad, for I feel like we are regressing in so many ways which leads me to the thoughts that we are getting one step closer to her returning home to heaven and that is something I do not want to think about because as much as it is a possibility for her, it is still something I want to forget until that day comes.

Though today was difficult on so many levels, it still ended on a good note,

It ended with Makenna and Payten enjoying one another and the rest of us sitting together laughing and talking and it donned on me, it does not matter whether we are at church together, but rather that at some point during each and every day, we come together as family, in one purpose of love for one another and that we uplift, uphold, encourage, strengthen and unite one another together as a family. That is what it is all about. That is what makes a family grow together and become strong together. It does not matter if we are together at church, as long as we are taking the time everyday to be together as a family at home. As hard as it will be to go to church by myself with three little kids, I know that I am doing right by my daughter and that is all that matters. Never did I think that my life would be this difficult or filled with so many hard choices and so much pain and sorrow, but with that said, I will never say that it is not worth it, for my life is beautiful and I will always say that I love it. I know God loves and I know that he loves my family and that he watches over us and blesses us and that is what makes me keep going. Much love to you all and to all a Good night.