I don't even know where to begin this post. Today was one of those No good, very bad days. I have cried more today, than I have in a long time and I am still crying. Wednesday is the most stressful day of the week for me. It is our day of back to back therapies, plus I usually have Doctors appointments either before or after the back to back therapies and then to top it all off, I have Cub Scouts in the evening, which makes for a very busy, sometimes extremely stressful day. To say today was stressful would be an understatement. It was a day that I really just want to leave behind and forget, but a lot of the hardships and challenges that were faced today, are not things that can be forgotten, rather they are things that will be carried on til who knows when, because they are Payten problems and Payten problems don't go away and that is what makes all of the events of this day so very hard and difficult.
This morning when I woke up, I was surprised by the sound of Payten crying. I quickly ran over to check on her and find out what was the matter. What I witnessed was an awful and yet surprising sight, one you don't expect to see first thing in the morning, Payten's face was covered in blood. My heart completely stopped for a few seconds, from the fear of not knowing what happened. I frantically starting looking for the source of the problem. I was so scared she was throwing up blood, because her mouth was all bloody. Luckily that was not the case, rather Payten had been inflicting harm upon herself, by scratching her ear and nose to the point of a bloody raw mess and her mouth was bleeding due to her hitting it against the crib sidebars. When I realized what had happened, I dropped to my knees, sobbing for my daughter, who was in agony from all the pain that her self inflicted wounds were causing. And my heart hurt for her because I know she was scared and confused, for she did not understand what she had done to herself, all she knew was that she was in pain and that something was causing it. She did not know, nor did she understand that she was in fact the one who was culprit for the pain.
I quickly picked her up and took her to the bath tub and washed her off and cleaned the wounds. It was a horrible fight, but a necessary one, that I had to endure alone. Afterwards, I was left feeling a tinge of guilt, for I felt like I should have done more to prevent it, but what? I had no idea she was going to do this to herself , nor did I understand why she did it. But that did not stop me from blaming myself, nor has it stopped me from still blaming myself. I feel responsible because I am her mother and I am suppose to protect from things such as this and I didn't. Therefore tonight, I will take precautionary measures and make sure there is padding around her bed and put on the no, no splints that attach to her arms which will prevent her from scratching her nose and her ears. Which is a measure I hate taking, but a necessary one in order to keep her safe from herself. How sad is that? I have to protect my daughter from my daughter. What an awful truth.
It does not stop there, shortly after getting home, from taking the kids to school, Payten started into another inconsolable crying bout, that ended in a seizure, which left her in an unconscious state. Not to the point of no breathing, for she was still breathing, she was just left in a state of sleep that could not be broken, which lasted a good four hours if not longer. Again, I started sobbing, for my heart broke. Watching my child suffer like that, killed me inside. I thought things were getting better for her, but now I am realizing, they are just getting worse and that is making me an emotional wreck. I have been losing it at the drop of a hat or crying over spilled milk, I seriously feel like my emotions are out of control and it is all because of the stress I am under with Payten and these darn seizures. I seriously have reached a point where I want to punch a wall because I am so mad and frustrated. I do not know how much longer I can keep going through this as her Mother. For I want to fix it and I can't. I am to the point, I do not know what to do. I feel so lost and hopeless.
I feel like I am losing my daughter to these seizures, to this disease, and I am so desperately trying to reach her, but can't seem to get her to come back to me. I miss my Payten! My sweet, happy, lovable Payten! Everything that the Doctors and I are trying, are seeming to fail, and I can't help but feel sense of hopelessness. I feel like we are reaching a dead end with her and we are going to be heading down the road to death and I am not handling that well. Honestly though, what Mother would? I guess I was hoping when we reached this point, it would be less painful and more peaceful, but that is not the case right now and that is what is so hard and devastating to me. No Mother wants to watch her child suffer in painful agony and that is exactly what I am having to do and it is beyond hard. But like I have said in the past, never will I give up on my daughter. I am going to keep fighting and trying to get my sweet Payten back. I will do everything possible to end all this pain and suffering. I just hope and pray that the doctors can find a solution, before it's too late, for you never know when one of these seizures might take her life. It is a very scary, very real truth, one I am having a hard time accepting.
Unfortunately, these morning events were not the only bad parts to my day. As the day progressed, things kept happening that kept leaving me in a state of tears. As therapist came and went throughout the day, it became harder and harder to deal with their thoughts and reactions to the events of the day. I was bombarded with questions and opinions as to why they think all this was happening. I felt like my brain was going to explode. But, believe me, when I say, that is not what sent me over the edge. What sent me over the edge was Zachary's Occupational Therapy Session. I left his appointment in complete and utter shock, for I love Zachary's Therapist, but today, I left feeling a great discord towards her, which I do not like feeling at all. For as were leaving she says to me, "I don't want to stress you out much more than you already are, but I think that Emmett and Makenna would benefit from Occupational Therapy and then went on to list all the reasons as to why she felt they would be good candidates for it. I seriously crawled into my car and starting bawling, for I could not handle one more thing. I was to the point of feeling like I had done a horrible injustice to this world by conceiving all of these children. I felt like I was just scrutinized in regards to my kids and that my parenting skills were being questioned, etc. and of all days, today was not the day for this to happen. I felt as though everyone at that moment was judging me, thinking what nuisance my family was on society because of all the problems my children have. Which I know is not true, nor was that what she was meaning, but right at that moment it was really hard not to feel that way.
Honestly, it is hard to not feel that way a lot, for I feel that my kids are constantly being scrutinized and looked at with therapist eyes, which are prone to seeing everything that is wrong and needing to be fixed. Which is hard to deal with at times. I truly believe a therapist could find something wrong with most children and since they see my children all time, they are more prone to seeing what is wrong and what they could do to help fix it. Which leaves me feeling like I am doing something wrong. And again I know that is not what their intention is, but it does not change the fact that it is hard to hear and handle, for then it puts in my head that there is something seriously wrong with my children and though I don't believe that, it is hard not to, when you have a therapist telling you it, which makes you really start to question your Mommy instinct. Therefore I am not sure whether I will be pursuing occupational therapy for Makenna or Emmett, because I am not fully in agreement that they need it, but I am not dismissing it either, so it is still a great possibility that it may happen.
All in all I am happy to say this day is over and that I can go to bed, for that is what this Momma needs right now. I am in need of a good nights sleep, with the hope of a brighter tomorrow. Wish me luck, for I will be calling the neurologist tomorrow to go over what happened today and I will also be calling and scheduling an appointment to see the Pediatrician to make sure that Payten does not have an ear infection or something. Hopefully we can find answers to why Payten is acting in such a way, so that we can help Payten to get better. That is all I really want, for her to feel better and not suffer. I pray tomorrow is better and that this massive headache I have goes away. Good night!
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