You are stronger than you think!

Lately I have been feeling exactly what this quote above states, The harder I try, the harder life seems to get. I feel as though, the harder I try to focus and remain positive, the harder it becomes to remain focused on the positive, if that makes any sense. But the reason I share this quote and the reason I love it, is because it is a simple reminder to me that I am not alone. I am not the only person who has struggled with this concept. The best of the best have struggled with this and that helps me to realize that I can do this, no matter how hard it seems to understand and do, I can do it/over come it, as long as I try and keep trying and remain faithful and hopeful. These thoughts reminded me of another quote that I love very much and that quote is,

I love this quote for it is so true. In all aspects of life, sometimes the only way through the storm, is by saying a prayer and then facing the storm or challenge head on. I have found though that I am extremely lucky, for in most circumstances, depending on the circumstance, I do not have to weather it alone, I have my family, particularly my husband who is there by my side weathering the storm with me. Together we have found that though there be these moments where all you can do is pray and then move through the storms, there are also moments where the best way to get through it, is by dancing,

I know this quote says relationship, but I believe it pertains to life and that life is not all sunshine and once you learn to either pray it out and move forward or dance/play in the rain, you can survive most anything. Joseph and I have proven this to be true. A lot of marriages that face similar circumstances such as ours, fall apart. Why? Because it is beyond hard and stressful and people forget that it is not all roses and sunshine and they forget to play sometimes, even when it is pouring outside and they quickly lose themselves to the storm and pull apart from each other inside of leaning on one another for support. Joseph and I however have chosen to try to see the good in all and to learn to dance/play whenever possible, though it may be super gloomy at times, we still try to dance as often as we can and pray when we can not find a reason to dance! No, it has not been easy and no that does not mean we have not faltered and given into the storm, but in all cases, we have been able to find our way out of the storm with the help of each other and that is why we have survived.

Payten has taught us this. She has taught us that no matter what, you can always smile and get through. That is what Joseph and I try to do with everything we are faced with. These past two days have been hard on the both of us. I have been suffering from a severe migraine, something that is rare for me, however they do come on every now and then and when they do, it is beyond horrendous and is debilitating to the point of non functioning. Seriously, it has been hard, luckily, however, it did not come on until last night and Joseph was here to help me with all my Mommy duties. Which he could have complained about and got frustrated over, instead he was kind and helped me with what needed to be done by, taking over our nightly routine, even though he was extremely exhausted from working a twelve plus hour day and wanted to go bed. He weathered the storm like a champ!  He took over and made dinner, then took the kids outside to plant flowers and afterwards, let them watch a movie, while he picked up the house and dinner and then got the kids to bed. Seriously, this is what I have been talking about. Marriage is helping each other, it is being there when the other person needs you, it is supporting each other through hard times, no matter what and Joseph and I are extremely blessed to have learned this from such a wonderful teacher, our daughter Payten.

And his help did not stop there, for my migraine lasted until about 8 o'clock this evening, with some give and take throughout the day, but again he came home, tired as can be, but instead of complaining that his wife was still sick, he picked up and did what needed to be done. Thankfully the migraine is gone and thankfully it went away for a short time today, which allowed me to get Payten to Physical therapy, but once therapy was over, it came back full force. I am very grateful that the pain let up for a short time allowing me to be able to take Payten to Physical Therapy, for she did a fantastic job. I wish I would have caught it on camera, but I was on the phone and therefore missed the opportunities to catch her awesomeness. Seriously, this is the best session she has ever had, even before the seizures started. Payten took steps in the light gait without any prompting from the therapist or help. It was only five steps, but hey we will take it! That is a major accomplishment and it makes me realize just how strong Payten is, for she has not been feeling well and she still was able to preform wonders at Therapy.

Let me explain, Payten's breathing has been awful for a few days now. But the odd part is, it is only awful when she is sleeping. She sounds perfectly fine, except for a little congested sounding while awake, but when she is sleeping, it all goes to hell, seriously. It is like she forgets how to breathe. Therefore, her sleep has been extremely poor, which is why her awesome performance at therapy was such a surprise, for I was fearful that she would fight all the hard work therapy gives her, due to exhaustion, but that did not stop her. She was a ROCK STAR! It made me realize, more than already knew, how strong and amazing she really is. However once therapy was over, she fell asleep and her breathing went back to being horrible. So she went from standing great and walking on her own for a short time, to this,

Do you see the crazy, awful retracting/breathing she is doing? Very scary and if my migraine would not have hit me full force while driving home from physical therapy, I would have taken her in to see the doctor, but once my migraine hit, everything went fuzzy, seriously, I do not know how I made it home, it was that bad. Thankfully my Dad was able to pick my kids up from school and if I would have thought about it, I would have had him take Payten and I to the doctor, but in the state I was in, it was best that we just stayed home. With oxygen support, Payten was fine, no her breathing still was not good,

but it did get a little better and I knew with breathing treatments and CPT it would get even better, which would allot me time to get over this horrendous migraine, so that when I did take her to the Doctor I would be coherent! Her retracting worries me, especially that it only happens while sleeping, but I know that breathing treatments and CPT will help, the reason I want to get her into the Doctor, is to make sure she does not need more than that, such as a steroid or antibiotic. So as much as her breathing worries me, it is not something that is so urgent I had to see a Doctor today, it just would have been nice, for she might have received a little more relief from the labored breathing.

Watching Payten these past few days, struggle with breathing and then show miraculous strength through different tasks during the day/therapy and then go back and forth between the two, really helped remind me just how strong this little girl is. It made me realize that as long as she is willing and able, she can and will do anything. It is her choice and as long as she wants to, she will and can defy all odds placed before her. I know that she can and will show the world just how strong she is and by doing so will teach all of us what it means to truly be strong and faithful. She truly is a miracle. The other day I was reading a chapter from a book one of my friends gave me, the book is titled, The uses of Adversity, by Calfred Borderick and the chapter she gave me to read was, chapter 12 and as I read this chapter from this book it put so many questions that I have had since Payten came into the world into perspective.

In my Mormon faith, we believe that we all lived in a pre-mortal life before this earthly life and therefore, we chose our life and some of the life challenges we would face, not all challenges, but some and in this book it talks about how some people chose much harder paths than others, why, we do not know, maybe because they understood their true strength and knew they could do it, I don't know, but some paths were chosen and some were not, which I believe strongly in Payten's case, that she chose/volunteered for this life and the journey she would face/endure. This understanding helps me to not become angry when I have feelings creep in that say, Why God, why did you do this to my daughter, why did you forsake her? Me being able understand that this path was something Payten chose, helps me to realize just how special she is and how strong she is and that she can do it and I need to let her do it and help her do it. This book also helped me to realize that not only did Payten choose this life, but I chose this life as well, I volunteered to be this little girls mother, because I loved her and could see the beauty within her and I wanted to have her in this life so that I could be reminded of what true beauty and strength is, for sometimes we forget.

So even though my path is hard at times, it helps to know that I chose it, for I ultimately knew I could do it and though it is hard to watch my daughter suffer at times, I know that it is her choice to be here and that when it becomes to much for her to bare, she will go home, for I believe that it is her choice too. The chapter in this book, helped me to understand that yes, Payten has been one deaths door a few times and though I have wondered why she has not died, I need not wonder, for Payten has chosen to dismiss the messenger that came to take her home, because she felt/knew, that there was more that she could do and teach to those around her and so when the time is and she is ready, she will go home, but for now I just need to love her, learn from her and know that her life is in her hands and she will determine how it goes with her Heavenly Father's help. How grateful I am for my friend in giving me this chapter from this awesome book, for it helped answer some much needed questions and give me a sense of relief and comfort, for that is what this knowledge has given me.

I am so thankful for my daughter and the strength she emulates daily. It teaches me to try harder, smile more and have faith that I can do anything. Though these past few days have been painful, literally, I know that it will get better. I am thankful for my friends, my family and for what they teach me on a daily basis. Thank you for all that you do. I hope you have a great day tomorrow and lovely night.