The Hospital is getting to ME!

Today was an extremely emotionally draining day! I have no idea why, it just was! The hospital is getting to me. We need to go home and stay home. It is so depressing being there. I saw so many critical cases this visit, it was hard to witness. Watching these families go through their difficulty was intense. It made me sad, my heart broke for them and it made me realize that one day, that will be me and it is hard to think about it.

Today it hit me like a ton of bricks, Payten is not going to get better. Yes, she may improve some, but she will NEVER be better. The hospital is always going to be an aspect in our lives. There is always going to be struggle with her. I saw some children today that had trachs and they were sitting, walking, babbling/talking, etc. and it made me sad. I just sat there watching them in envy and crying. Why? Why Payten? Why can't Payten just have a trach, why does she have other issues that she has to face? What am I doing wrong? Am I not working with her enough? How can I make it better? I want so badly to make it better! I want my child to sit, crawl, walk, talk and she can't and the reality is, she may never do some of these things!

I wish there was a straight forward answer as to why Payten is the way she is and there is not! I feel like I frustrate my Doctors because I am constantly bombarding them with questions. I feel like a burden when we are in the hospital. I feel like Payten is not critical enough to be in there and so therefore, we are wasting their time, but what do I do? What do you do, when your child gets sick and it is beyond your control, and the doctor admits you to the hospital, what do you do? How do you change that? How do you know when you are over reacting and when you are not? I wish it were simpler.

At times I think it would be better for everyone if Payten's mission would be finished because then she wouldn't be struggling or suffering and things would not be so stressful, but then I look at her and how beautiful she is and how happy she is and how happy she makes me and I HATE myself for ever thinking that way.

How do I juggle all of this? How do I have time to meet Payten's needs and meet the needs of the rest of my family? I know they are suffering too and I want to take it from them, I just don't know how to do it all. I am one person with so much on their shoulders and I feel like I am failing everyone and everything. People say I am so strong, but I feel so weak. I am trying to do my best and not allow emotions to overcome me, but they do. I love my family and I want to be the best I can for them, I just don't know how to do it all. Why does it have to be so hard? I look around me and everyone seems to have it together and they make it seem so effortless and easy. How do they do it?

I know I am too hard on myself, but how do you stop these thoughts and emotions from entering in and taking over? How do you not feel this way? Maybe it is a lack of sleep and stress, I just pray that one day this will all come to an end and everything will be okay and Payten will still be here happy and thriving. But not all prayers are answered in the way we want them answered. I just have to learn patience, love and understanding and have faith that the Lord will help me through all of this and that he will not allow me to have a nervous breakdown. Sorry for venting, but thank you for listening, it really helps to get these feelings out! Thank you and Good night!