Joseph's and Mine's Breakdown/Breakthrough!

Tonight has been a hard night! Why is it that when you are faced with NEW Information, your brain goes into overload and it makes you so exhausted? I wish it didn't give me a headache every time I receive new information about Payten. It is so hard and frustrating! I feel like I am going to medical school to become a Neurologist, but in the end I am not going to reap the benefits of being paid! I mean don't get me wrong I am reaping the benefits of knowledge, but I wish it were easier to understand and absorb. Wikipedia has become a close friend of mine! There I can research and receive definitions to all the Medical Terms that are gibberish to me! With just a click of a button I get a definition, it is nice, I just hope that it is correct information I am getting! Because I can not take it if I have to reprocess any miss information that I may receive. I hate the fact that after receiving a New Diagnosis or information of any kind, it totally and completely consumes you, it is ALL you think about, it takes over your life! No matter how hard you try it stop it from happening, it happens. How do you not allow that to happen? How do you stop it from taking over? I wish I could figure out the answers to these questions because I think people seriously get tried of being around me because this is all I talk about! I also hate the stress that follows and the fights that are had because of it. Tonight is a prime example of this, Joseph and I got into a huge fight, because we are scared and stressed. I hate fighting with him, I wish it didn't happen, but it seems unavoidable during these times! Tonight, Joseph finally had his Breakdown and he kind of took it out on me. And then I took it out on him, I hate when this happens, but it really does seem like it is unavoidable. I feel like if we don't express are anger, then we will go CRAZY! At least afterwards we come to terms and apologize to one another and can rationally talk about our feelings and cry and laugh together and lean on each other for support. It is just the process prior to this that really stinks, the break down and the fight! But at least once that happens it is over and done with and we can move on! And I am happy to say that tonight we got everything out! We cried, we yelled, we laughed and then we understood each other, it is really nice to be on the same page and know how scared we both are and what we are both feeling and going through. We know that we are not alone, but that we have each other and that is huge. If I didn't have Joseph I would be lost in all of this! All I can say is I am scared. Joseph is scared. Payten's future is completely unknown and we are completely terrified and that is okay, we just needed to express ourselves and get it out, and it just happened to be through screaming and crying at one another that we did this! But now we are good and happy and know that we love one another! I just hope that soon we will receive more answers, so that both Joseph's and mine's headache will away and that our brain's will re cooperate from all this overload! It does help for the both of us to take a time out at night and be alone to just mediate and pray. It is relaxing to the soul and it helps us to sleep! So I am off to Mediate and then go to bed! Good night! Oh and just so you know, Payten had a really good day! She was happy and playful and she went to sleep well! Let's hope her slumber is restful and that tomorrow brings another good and happy day! We see Dr. Panesar (Our Pulmonologist) tomorrow, let's hope it is good news and that we leave there with questions answered!