I am Honored Daily to Say, She's With Me! I love you Payten!

I wanted to share a song that I recently came across that Collin Raye wrote for his Granddaughter Haley, who suffered from an Undiagnosed Neurological Disorder. Her whole life was a struggle, but a blessing that her family cherished everyday, she finally lost her life to this illness this past April. This song sums up Every word and Every emotion that I have ever felt about my Payten. Collin Raye was truly inspired when he wrote this song for his granddaughter, he truly expressed every emotion that every parent has ever felt, who has been faced with a blessing like this. Thank you Collin Raye for these words! I call this Payten's Song:

She's with me

I proudly tell the Maitre de as we arrive

He seems surprised

In a clumsy moment as he looks for room, for her blessed chair

A table stares, and their eyes show only pity

As they try to sympathize

Oh, how difficult that must be, look away

Day after day, they'll never see, the joy you bring

Only happy at the times I know that she's with me.

I wear it like a badge of honor at the mall

I hear her call, the only way that she is able with a cry

Time to go bye bye, she can't say why

Maybe tired, maybe hurting, God I wish that I could tell

Do I ever make her happy for awhile

To see her smile, makes my week,

Though she can't speak,

She let's me know she feels my love when she's with me.

I know just what heaven looks like when I see that perfect face

For no other mortal heart could be so fair

I myself so weak and weary, so imperfect as a man

How could I be the one you chose to care for our girl

Never done a single deed to earn the right to share her light

Though it's such a painful road we walk each day

Lord you have your ways, this I pray

On the day I stand before you, she'll stand right by my side

When you look upon me, head hung down in shame

I'll feel the blame, she'll look at me,

And then she'll speak, in that precious voice

Don't worry about him my Lord, cuz you see,

He's with me!

How truly inspirational these words Collin Raye sings! It is my day everyday! I get the pity looks and then they look away. Every where I go, I get the stares, but no one will ever know the joy I feel! I love going to Church, but that is the one thing I dread, the looks and stares of pity I am given by those who know me, and then they quickly look away because they don't know what to say, It truly breaks my heart each week I am able to attend because allot of us use to be close and now things go unsaid because they don't know how to react toward me. And it truly hurts inside because I do not pity what I have been given, but rather I Cherish my Daughter's life! It is a BEAUTIFUL and PRECIOUS Gift that has been bestowed upon me! And I know they mean no harm, but rather it is their way of showing love, but it still hurts because I don't want Payten to be seen differently, I want people to see what I see, A Heavenly Being! Payten has taught me more than anyone ever could about Love, Endurance, Patience, Understanding, Happiness, People and God and to that I truly do stand HONORED to be able to say SHE'S WITH ME! The line where it says "I hear her call, the only way that she is able, with a cry", is my Payten. Payten can not express herself but only through a cry or a smile and so I wonder daily what she is thinking, what she is feeling, what truly is going on in that little head of hers. Is she in pain? Is she tired? Do I make her happy? These are questions I ask myself daily and I can not wait until the day, that she will be able say, Mom I love you and thank you for loving me! And that will probably never happen in this life, but it will happen, I just have to be a little more patient then most parents and wait until the life here after to hear those precious words. But when it does come, that will be my reward and it will be far greater than any reward I could ever receive in Heaven, because then I will know that I fulfilled my mission and helped make Payten's life better by being her Mother. I do know what Heaven looks like, because I have a little piece of heaven in my home, Payten! And I know that she can see God's face and is in his presence daily, And I ask what did I do to deserve her. Why me? How did I get be so lucky to have this Perfect Angel to Light my Path daily? I may never know the answer to that question until the day I can converse with her and Ask, Payten why did you pick me, and then I pray that she will she look at the Lord and say, Don't worry, Lord, She's with me! I love my Payten, and I pray daily that she will be okay and not experience pain, but no matter what, I am blessed and Honored to say, SHE'S WITH ME!